Back to the Future

Today has been a misty rainy day. It is my mid day of three days off and the weather decided the course of action for the day.

I have spent most of it, writing up my exit interview for my current job, which I finish up on 31st July. It has been an interesting process and I hope some of my comments prove helpful and make a bit of a difference. It’s not that it’s an awful job, it just that I have become so bored and while I had thought this particular job would be my last one, I came to the realization that I wouldn’t be able to last the distance. (Well ok the few years left to retirement!! Ha ha)

I am heading back to the future in that I am returning to my previous job as a Police Dispatcher. A few months ago this would have struck fear into my heart but many things have changed over the past 16 months, since I first left that job.

I became unsettled in my new job and was looking around for other opportunities. Nothing appealed and the thought of having to front up to someone half my age to justify my existence and right to a good salary, put me off even more.

I am not sure what it is about Employment Agencies, but they certainly don’t do much for my confidence!! I recall one horror set of questions such as, if I was at a party, would I talk to a tall woman!! I wasn’t sure how to answer this, should I have said, yes of course if she was gorgeous looking, or no I only speak to short women? I mean what was that all about? I was petrified at the thought of being classified as more mentally unstable than I am.

Anyway, I have been spared the embarrassment of appearing to be insane by being welcomed back with enthusiasm to the role I do love. It is a stressful job, but a very rewarding job. You are at the interface of all the things that go wrong in our society, robberies, burglaries, domestic violence. You name it, it gets called in.

I love being able to make a difference, to be in charge of my own decisions and responsible for my own actions. Ok, they can make or break you and we are all aware of how badly things can and do sometimes go wrong with our emergency system. However, fingers crossed nothing drastic happened on my watch before and hopefully my judgment will be in strong play and all the better for the break away.

There is something else I like about the job. There is a tremendous feeling of belonging, support and respect from all areas of the police. When Shelley was murdered, the police family swung into action in a huge way. I can never thank them enough and in some way my return may just do that for me.

There have been two high profile deaths of serving police staff in the past few weeks. I knew only Steve Fitzgerald, as he was the National Communications Manager at the time of 7/7. He was incredible to my family. He swung all the assistance we needed into action and rang me personally many times when Shelley’s Dad and I were in London, waiting for confirmation of her death.

I am eternally grateful for his role in supporting my family, and I know that his dear family now will be receiving all the love and support possible from this, our police family.

I do feel like I am going home again. It will be my honour to carry on assisting the front line police with all my skills and ability. I will do it with even more passion and as a tribute to Steve and all the wonderful staff who put their lives on the line daily.

Arohanui

KG

7/7

We have had phone calls, txts and flowers to the house. It is lovely to know that so many people care so deeply about Shelley and then take the time to check in with us. It all makes a difference.

At another level, there is a deep rage running parallel with all the “nice” things we are doing.

Sitting at lunch with Shelley’s brothers, I just knew Shelley should have been there too. It is a mixed emotion of love and appreciation for them and the awful yawning gap of her absence. That they have been robbed too and have to deal with her murder as best they can.

We are all philosophical souls I guess but I cannot find the words to convey the deep underlying sadness that is only a blink away from spilling out in tears or rage. Looking at all of us today, we are good and keeping on. To maintain eye contact too long would have resulted in the tears flowing. So we joke about stuff and raise our glasses to our beautiful Shelley. We think about all her friends who are so sad too. We think of all the families who lost a loved one and the survivors. It becomes overwhelming.

I have come home to weep and look into Shelley’s eyes in the beautiful photos we have around the home. I just want to hold her and feel the warmth of her body, the movement of her breath and revel in the sound of her laughter.

I am feeling violent in that I could murder a bottle of brandy – but am resisting the urge as I don’t want to start counting the days all over again. So logically, I deal with it knowing there is such a fine line between coping/not coping, resisting the emotion/giving in to it.

I will stay up til after midnight, til the 8th but know that it is the 7th in London then.

Post script: At 730pm NZ time we had a call from a dear friend who was at Kings Cross station placing some flowers for Shelley and thinking about us. She rang to say she wanted us to know she was there, thinking about Shelley and all the victims. The tears flowed but the bottle of brandy remained untouched. A small triump!!

Out of this horror there have been some wonderful new friendships created. Shelley has helped create a wonderful circle of goodness around the globe.

There are not words to express how much I feel and how much I/we appreciate all the ongoing love and support.

Much love always to all our dear ones,

Arohanui

KG
XX

7/7/08

There are no perfect words. Just our love and our loss. My thoughts and love are with you all this and every day.

Russell Square:

James Adams; Samantha Badham; Philip Beer; Anna Brandt; Ciaran Cassidy; Rachelle Chung For Yuen; Elizabeth Daplyn; Arthur Frederick; Karolina Gluck; Gamze Gunoral; Lee Harris; Ojara Ikeagwu; Emily Jenkins; Adrian Johnson; Helen Jones; Susan Levy; Shelley Mather; Michael Matsushita; James Mayes; Behnaz Mozakka; Michaela Otto; Atique Sharifi; Ihab Slimane; Christian Small; Monika Suchocka; Mala Trivedi.

Tavistock Square:

Anthony Fatayi-Williams; Jamie Gordon; Giles Hart; Marie Hartley; Miriam Hyman; Shahara Islam; Neetu Jain; Sam Ly; Shyanuja Parathasangary; Anat Rosenberg; Philip Russel; William Wise; Gladys Wundowa.

Aldgate:

Lee Baisden; Benedetta Ciaccia; Richard Ellery; Richard Gray; Anne Moffat; Fiona Stevenson; Carrie Taylor.

Edgware Road:

Michael Brewster; Jonathan Downey; David Foulkes; Colin Morley; Jennifer Nicholson; Laura Webb.

Arohanui

Kia kaha

KG
XX

7/7 Anniversary

PERFECT WORDS
7/7/08


I am trying
to capture
the perfect words

to describe the way it is
without you

to convey the enormity
of this day
this date
7/7

there is a need
I think
to create
a new dictionary

of loss
of loving

of words
to describe
the sweetness of you

the tilt of your mouth
the deliciousness of your laughter

your youth your hopes
your dreams

how to describe
the whirlpool of loss

swirling around us
sucking us up
spitting us out
battered and bruised

there is a need
I think

to create
a new dictionary