More Shopping More Grief

Still shopping today but the task is now complete. Three pairs of dress slacks, three more gorgeous shirts, (silk) and a fabulous black/charcoal silk tracksuit. The jacket is ideal for throwing over the top of the aforementioned shirts and slacks to wear at work, if the air conditioning is still temperamental. And not to forget, the two new pairs of shoes.

Tomorrow is my final day off before I get back into the 6 on, 4 off routine. I am going to read a book, write some poems and do some gardening. Oh and pick up my slacks which all had to be taken up a bit. I must be shrinking or else all the other fat people are taller than me!!

It has been a weird transition from one job to another. I feel like a real weight has been taken off my shoulders and that I can now resume to contribute in a meaningful way, to the society in which I live. I feel empowered and happy.

Happy is a word that doesn’t fit my skin all that well. But I can’t deny that I am – happy. There is a tandem movement going on, I am happy and at the same time there is room for the enduring sadness that is the missing of my darling Shelley. It runs along with everything. It is present in everything I do, say, feel and think. And guess what, I now know it can be parallel with my happiness.

To complicate matters even further, I am also angry. Angry that I have to deal with all these complicated emotions, angry that I really don’t know the best way of doing that. Angry, angry, angry, that Shelley was murdered. Angry, that the jury couldn’t reach a decision. Angry that July is loaded with so much joy and sorrow. Again tandem emotions. The births of my fabulous sons, their dad’s birthday and Shelley’s death day. Ah at least I know where the anger is coming from. So in July I have great cause to celebrate and great cause to be devastated. I honour both of these emotions as best I can.

I still go to see my counselor, here is a promo for her www.counselme.co.nz
Truly, if you ever need to speak with someone, I recommend this amazing woman. She has guided me and helped keep me sane, (ok but you know what I mean!) I have placed my life in her hands and am a stronger and better person for having done so.

I don’t want this blog to be seen as depressing or morbid. It is simply my recounting of where I am at. Grief is part of my life – I am not ashamed of that and it can’t be any other way. This is my story only and I bare my soul in the hope that it may give comfort to other people working through their grief. If it makes you depressed – don’t read it. I am a cheerful, happy, pretty much well adjusted human being living my life with my grief. I will not silence it nor will it overtake me (with help and the love and support of my family.) It just is.

This week I received the details of the planned Hyde Park Memorial for the 7/7 victims. I plan on being their next July7 for the unveiling of this mangnificent tribute and memorial to all those who died and all those who survived. I just wish it didn’t have to be there at all.

Arohanui,
KG
XX

Shock for a shopaphobic

Fun and shopping are not two words that anyone who knows me, would associate with me!! But hey, I have just had fun shopping. Amazing. I can hardly believe it myself.

Having just left a uniformed job, (not a nice uniform but it certainly cuts time off your start to the day not having to think what to wear), and getting ready to start my new/old job on Friday, I had to get some new duds.

Being something of a shopaphobic I have done this task in two bites. A week or so ago I got up early, hit the mall before almost anyone else, and in two hours had purchased six great tops that I love. Yikes!! What is happening to me. Yes I love them. They are all great colours, soft and stretchy material and they even look nice on me.

New outfit topped off brilliantly - Yeah Right!

Having secured my top half I have felt a bit under pressure to make sure I got the bottom covered. No easy task I can assure you. So today, I kept to my winning strategy and hit the mall early and within not two, but one hour, I had purchased three fabulous pairs of dress slacks. Amazing.

I have since played dress ups, also most unlike me, with both the tops and the bottoms and you will never guess what? They all go together brilliantly. I can’t believe it.

So if any of you out there have suffered the same aversion to malls, and shopping and been like me, happy blobbing around in whatever is comfortable there is hope of a change. I put some of it down to watching the instant makeover programmes on the telly. I chose types of things I would not usually have chosen, took my time, (well not too much time obviously), and hey presto. I doubt I look 10 years younger in four hours but I certainly feel damn flash.

So a good news story for today.

Have fun and if you get bored – go shopping. Ha ha

Arohanui,

KG

PS. Opps, I still have the shoe challenge to go and only three days left!! A piece of cake!!

Hung Jury - 7/7 Trial

On one level I haven’t given the trial much thought. I have received the daily updates from our Metropolitan Police Liaison officer, quickly skimmed through them and then just waited. I waited during the 7th July, then the dates in July that are Shelley’s two brothers birthdays, also her dad’s birthday and the date of her funeral service in NZ – all July dates.

I waited. maybe hoping for some kind of justice to strike the hearts of those alleged to have helped plan the murder or my daughter. Had they been found guilty, I expected to feel some kind of long distance satisfaction that the smirks had been wiped off their faces, and that their lives would now be drastically changed by having to spend their every breathing moment in a prison cell.

Had they been found innocent, strangely, I would have been relieved for them, knowing that a vigilant justice system had thrashed out all the details and reached a sound judgment.

I am surprised at the depth of my feeling at the non-result. I guess I wanted a decision, one way or another. To have no further clarity and the knowledge that it may well all start over again with a retrial, is quite simply devastating. It feels like the worst possible result. I am none the wiser as to whether they participated or not.

All the families of the dead have to wait for an outcome in this trial before a final inquest can be held, and families delivered the “official” findings. Of course, it makes little difference, we all know our loved ones are dead, how they died. The Inquest is, I guess, just another marker in the journey of loss, and it has just been moved further away with no definite time frame.

There may not even be a retrial, there may be a retrial and then could they appeal if found guilty? I don’t know.

In one way, as I say it doesn’t matter, in another way it does and I know that many families and survivors will find this whole process distressing.

My thoughts are with them all at this time.

Kia kaha

KG