27 Apr 2008

ANZAC Day 2007

Thirteen days later. It is no longer raining. The torrential downpours have stopped and there are now only intermittent and unpredictable bursts of rain. The weather is mostly fine with cloudy skies which are not to be trusted if you are planning outdoor activities – like finishing the house painting!

The evenings and nights are cooler with a good covering of dew that evaporates after the first hour or two of daylight. The autumn trees have changed and have shed most of their glorious multi-coloured leaves. The air is crisp and feels clear and clean when I breathe it in at 3am on my way to work. (The time is not a joke!!)

The 25th of April was ANZAC Day, a national day of remembrance in NZ and Australia, in honour of the soldiers who lost their lives at Gallipoli in WWI. The soldiers were from a combined Australian and New Zealand force, hence the name ANZAC. Each year the number of people paying their respects grows. In Auckland alone, some 20,000 people gathered for the main dawn parade at the Auckland War Memorial. There were many more ceremonies throughout NZ, Australia and of course, at Gallipoli itself. All have reported increasing numbers of young people, families with their children and grandchildren, over the past few years and this year that trend has continued.

The increasing numbers attending the ANZAC day commemorations says something about us as a nation. The comments taken from those attending reflect a sense of national pride in the role these young men took on for their countries. That they paid the ultimate price, with their lives, is honoured and treasured by both the nation as a whole, and by the subsequent generations of their families. The families pass on the stories about a loved, grandfather, father, cousin or uncle. Their families are a living tribute to their lives.

It is also a time when collectively as a nation, we reflect on the horrors of war and the tremendous cost in lives, to our families and our country. There is also a sense of hope, certainly a desire, that such loses should not be experienced again. A search and wish for peace.

It is honourable and fitting that we pause on such a day and reflect on the cost of war and the search for peace.

The reality is that these precious lives lost 84 years ago and honoured and treasured with such respect, have not been the last. NZ suffered losses in WWII, Vietnam and Afghanistan and more. (2007 was the first ANZAC day that was inclusive of our Vietnam veterans. There are currently 900 officers serving in operational capacities at overseas postings.)

It was hoped that WWI would be the war to end all wars. That nations and families would not endure such pain and grief again. This has not been the reality.

It is also not so easy to define war these days. It is not as clear cut. Participants may be oblivious to the fact that they are in a war. The combatants, the planners and the plotters may feel like they are acting righteously, standing up for their beliefs or politics and therefore justifying their war-like actions. The boundaries have become extremely blurred but the cost in lives continues to accelerate.

The 2002 Bali bombings killed 88 Australians and three New Zealanders. I doubt they thought they were in a war. I doubt their families, as they farewelled them on their journey, thought they were sending them off to war, or imagined that would be the last time they saw their loved ones.

Are terrorists misguided soldiers of war? Their actions are hailed as heroic deeds by their like-minded comrades, who take delight in the death toll. Are poor quality video messages declaring death on those who fail to believe as they believe, the new declarations of war? Could this been seen as the “modernization” of war protocol and would a text message suffice next time?

The London bombings, 7th July 2005 killed one Australian and one New Zealander, (my daughter Shelley), along with 50 other people. My daughter, was aware of the possibility of terrorist attacks, as we all were, following 9/11and the increased risk as a result of the actions of the US and British governments’ foray into Iraq. She marched in the protest in London against the move into Iraq. She was a peaceful person with respect for the diverse views and cultures of the world. She was not a soldier going knowingly into a war zone. She would not harm another person. She died as the result of an explosion on an underground tube. Another human being, carrying a bomb, carefully planned and timed the detonation to cause maximum damage, took her life. She was simply going about her daily life, on her way to work, planning her next trip, to Greece.

There were pictures on the TV of jubilant celebrations on the streets in Iraq, as the impact of the bombers’ strike on the London Underground became known. These comrades of the bombers, or at least ideologically aligned believers, sang and danced at the death of my daughter and the other 51 souls.

ANZAC day made me think about war; the taking of lives and Shelley’s death.

As a nation we pause and reflect on the courage and loss of lives of our soldiers. We see them as having fought for an honourable and just cause. We treat them with reverence and respect and at the same time, hope that we never again have to send our young men and women off on active duty. We see the futility of war as a way of resolving issues. We know the terrible cost of death. I know the terrible loss of my daughter.

I am not sure that there are any noble wars, where honour and right warrant the loss, or taking of lives. We know the horror of living with these losses. What we don’t seem to know is how to avoid such conflicts. On a global scale the old adage of might is right, still reigns.


I do know that terrorists are not brave soldiers, that no matter how they dress up their views, they are simply cowardly murders.

I paused on ANZAC day and remembered the dead and their families. I held Shelley’s love in my heart and remembered all those who died with her that day. A death is a death no matter how it comes about.

I have taken to heart a quote from Joan Baez, which I carry with me. It is my choice of action and it is part of what I am attempting to achieve on this blog.

Joan Baez b 1941

I would say that I’m a non-violent soldier.
In palce of weapons of violence, you have to use your mind,
your heart, your sense of humour, every faculty available to you
because no one has the right to take the life of another human being.

Arohanui,

KG
XX

14 Apr 2008

Trials and Tribulations

Midway through April and the weather is finally on the turn.

Today, mid-way through April, the skies are weeping heavy torrents of tears and the wind is blowing in great vociferous gusts, shaking the bones of the city. Yesterday, it shook the harbour bridge, well not exactly but my journey over the bridge to the foreign land of North Shore City, included a hair raising ascent of the bridge behind a caravan whose door had blown open and shattered glass all over the bridge. The driver boldly carried on up and over the bridge with the door flapping in and out, crashing and bashing its way over the bridge, hitting the struts as its bobbled on its way, with me following waiting for the door to fly off and demolish my car. It didn’t happen much to my relief and the battered vehicle managed to pull off to the side on the other side of the bridge.

This was my first expedition away from home in a while, as I have not ventured far over the past few weeks, months really. I have been on a mission to coat the cedar walls of the house before the weather turned. I have nearly achieved this and a couple of more sunny days should see this task completed.

The solitary process of spending hours in the sunshine, staining these wood grain boards, restoring them from faded blandness into a warm toffee/caramel vibrance, has been soothing and rewarding. The boards seemed to gleefully lap up this protective coating and I became lost in the process of ensuring a smooth and even coating that would show off the beautiful wood-grain patterns.

There have been unexpected benefits from performing this manual task. As well as the satisfaction I now get from admiring my handiwork, and hopefully a few strengthened muscles and shed grams of fat, it has been a calming and meditative process. Soothing to all my senses with only the occasional swear word thrown in as I teetered on the top of the ladder, paint tin and brushes in hand or at the odd spill or splatter of paint that escaped the walls. (Quickly mopped up I might add!!)

It has been my retreat. I have been able to embrace my love for music again, and have had the stereo blaring out my favourites for the six hours or so I have painted each day. I have been lost in the music and the tiny detail of each piece of wood, my eyes drawn in and focused on the task while my mind has voluntarily roved the depths of my soul.

There seems to be a correlation between the layers of stain going onto the wood and the layers being stripped bare from my soul. I became more exposed emotionally with each covering-up stroke of the brush. Just as the skies have opened today, my tears have flowed over the past few days. Silent tears, not sobs, just uncontrollable silent, torrents of tears falling as I sat in the sun and kept painting. This is the process of my grief. It has not been unpleasant, it fact it has been a very “connecting” process for me.

I am wondering if I could franchise this as the new “secret”. How to find inner peace by painting. I could charge huge fees, get people’s houses painted for
free and the painters, “clients” would pay me huge sums of money to me, to participate. Boot camp therapy? Of course, my controlling nature would have to vet their actual painting skills, no matter what sort of mental state they were in. Fair is fair, the job would have to be done properly. Oh well, it costs nothing to fantasize!!

The reality is that I have been on the brink of needing to make some changes and I guess time out from “paid work” and all that goes with it, combined with the “free thinking” time I have enjoyed has precipitated some of these.

In August I touched on the topic of alcohol in my life.
I have managed to continue this debate with myself, while making no changes. Not uncommon I am sure. For whatever reason, I have decided that now is the time and I am into my third alcohol free week.(Hold the applause!!) The funny thing is that it has not been hard, so far at least. What was hard was making a decision. My head became so full of all the reasons not to let go of this crutch, my crutch. I spent one week like a headless chook, not wanting to face up to the fact that this task was pissing me off. I didn’t want to be a person that didn’t drink alcohol, I couldn’t imagine what I would drink instead!! It was unimaginable for me to contemplate, to see this as a reality in my life. It is early days yet, but I feel solid in this commitment.

I think my biggest fear has been the fear of what might emerge from me, minus my self-medication. I have been frightened of my grief, of the depths of my anger and sadness. I imagined this would emerge like a horrible sci-fi monster snapping teeth and drooling blood and venom out into the world all accompanied by scary sci-fi monster movie music. (I am a person who has to leave the room if a scary movie comes on the TV, or even if the scary music starts, let alone any pictures to go with it!!)

The truth of my experience so far has been nothing like that. There has been a huge relief, a weight has gone from my shoulders, and I have much more free space in my head!! It is not consumed with worrying about how much I drink, have I drunk too much, not caring if I have and about keeping the supply up. For me it is a good thing. I am not sure if it is for life but it is for now, each day at a time.

My grief is certainly more present, there have been much more tears but much more talking about it too. I want to honour and hold Shelley in my life, in her brother’s and family’s lives It is more painful, it is almost as if I have woken up from a deep sleep and again have to start to deal with Shelley’s murder. I feel closer to Shelley. I have her consciously with me. I know this is a reality of my life, I have know that since 7/7 but knowing how to live the rest of my life with this reality is a different matter. I still don’t know but am open to whatever happens. Eyes wide open


There is a trial taking place in London, of associates of the bombers. Three men charged with conspiring to cause an explosion, contrary to section 3(1)(a) of the Explosive Substances Act 1883. i.e. between the 17th November 2004 and the 8th July 2005, they unlawfully and maliciously conspired together and with Mohammed Siddique Khan, Shezhad Tanweer, Jermaine Lindsay and Hasib Hussain and with others unknown to cause by an explosive substance an explosion or explosions of a nature likely to endanger life or cause serious injury to property in the United Kingdom.

Jermaine Lindsay was the successful suicide bomber who murdered Shelley and 25 other people on the tube between Kings Cross and Russell Square and injured hundreds more.

I am not sure if the case will be successful in achieving a conviction. I am not sure what I think about it all. I receive daily updates from my Family Liaison Officer via the Metropolitan Police. There will be screeds and screeds of information. I am simply saving it to a folder and will read it when I can. I started reading some of it the other day and just wept. That’s ok. And it makes me angry and sick in my stomach. But that’s ok too. It will not make me want to take a drink. And that’s ok.

Some of the bereaved families and victims are attending the court daily. My heart goes out to them all. I am not equipped to write up the details or to comment on the political plethora of race relations, the conspiracy theorists, the action/inaction of the powers that be.

I am reading Rachel North’s
account and that is good enough for me. I am thankful I am not there, watching the hideous suicide bomber’s videos. I would vomit.

Eyes wide open. I know that I cannot undo what is done. I cannot right all the wrongs in the world. My life goal is to live as best I can with Shelley’s death. To enjoy, support and love my family and friends. To do no harm. That is enough for this one soul.

Kia Kaha
Arohanui

KG
XX

22 Feb 2008

Funny Story

The smokers’ place at work is an outside space, the cart dock actually, where incoming goods are trundled to various destinations. Amazing conversations take place among this diverse group all gathered with the one purpose of sucking in that foul air.

It is THE place to be if you really want to know what is actually happening within the management of any of the companies that inhabit an international airport. We hear it first form the grassroots, the workers. It always amazes me that the management doesn’t take up this immense knowledge base. I mean we have it all sussed. We know exactly what needs to be done to make things work – better that is. We know how to make staff feel appreciated, what is wrong with the systems, bloody hell, we are the ones that have to implement every stupid, unworkable idea. So we know. We could fix it all in the blink of an eye, all that’s needed is a management committee of SMOKERS.

It is truly incredible. It is a very human place to be. It is an opportunity to forge friendships that would not have happened without the common thread of addiction. There are those who have worked in the same environment for years and can tell you who did what, when and what happened next!!! Confidentiality rules so I can’t disclose any information that might get me or anyone else the sack!! We live in a work environment where you are guilty as charged until you prove otherwise. A vast difference to the recognized legal system but hey, that is the reality of being an employee in the current workforce.

Smokers share stories, about their kids, their parents, their pets.Their loves, their loses their lives. Nothing is exempt. There are people who have the most amazing knowledge base on topics you wouldn’t dream they might be interested in. Natural history, dog breeding, fishing, politics you name it we will have a spokesperson with a life long hobby in it. It is also a huge multi-cultural melting pot. Indian, Polynesian, Serbian, Russian, Korean, Japanese, Maori, Pakeha, South African and Dutch. It is a free indepth travel guide and a true insight into life around the globe. It is a privilege to be part of this.

And we laugh. Sometimes outrageously, sometimes inappropriately but always frequently and often side-splittingly with accompanying tears running down our faces We often need to compose ourselves and put on our professional faces before heading back to our posts.

I love it.

Funny dog training story. True story. One of the women had gone to puppy training classes with her two daughters, (no she wasn’t training them!!) and one of the girl’s puppy. Her description of the other participants was a delightful cameo and that was before she told us her story.

The puppy had to be made to lie down on the floor without any verbal instruction. This involved pushing down on the pup’s shoulders until it succumbed and lay down. Well, this in turn involved our group speaker who had taken the lead role, sitting with pup between her feet and one daughter beside her and one behind her, doing the pushing down. Unfortunately, when she did this she let rip with a symphony of loud farts. This in turn caused her embarrassment and uncontrollable giggles from one daughter and exposed her to the wrath and acute embarrassment of the other daughter. This only made the matter worse and said leader had an uncontrollable fit of the giggles with one daughter in also collapsed in hysterics and the other kept saying “Oh Mum!!.”

The lead actress made a wonderful job of relaying this story and by the end of it, our smokers group also had tears streaming down our faces, and we were bent over double laughing. Apparently the conversation carried on all the way home in the car with the mother and daughters and said puppy. It then got relayed to the family at home and they too got good mileage and belly laughs from the story. A man, who apparently resembled a TV type wrestler and had been at the puppy class with his chiwawa was apparently unmoved by my colleagues misfortune and avoided eye contact and any reaction. The instructor was none too pleased with this irreverent mob. I didn’t find out if the puppy will lie down on instruction but suspect it may only do so on fart command. There are still three more training classes to go.

Long rule the smokers I say.

Off to work now.

ARohanui
KG

An ordinary day

Today is an ordinary day. I am going to work shortly, the last day of my block of six days. I have the next three days off, and then it starts all over again. I like shift work mainly because of the days off!! There are three early starts and three afternoon starts. The earlies are very early ranging from 0400 to 0630. I hate the actual getting up early but I love having the afternoons at home, so that is the pay off.

It is also an extraordinary day as is each day of my life. I have just finished looking at the proposals for a permanent memorial for those murdered in the 7/7 London bombings.
The site will be one of three options in Hyde Park.

Two and a half years after my darling Shelley was murdered in London, there are still “official” decisions to be made. I know when I receive a foolscap white envelope in the mail, with a franked postage paid from London, that it will be one of those types of letters. Sometimes I think about not opening them, but I an always compelled to open them. Maybe only delaying long enough to get a drink and a cigarette to accompany the reading of the contents. There is always a gut reaction, a sinking feeling, a wanting to know what is in it and a not wanting to know at the same time. It might be information about the inquest, the trial or the memorial. Something that I read, consider and respond too. Something, that I have to think about. Something, that draws me into the reality of Shelley’s death.

They appear, unexpected, not uninvited because I have indicated I want to know everything there is to know, but the unexpectedness sometimes takes my breath away.
On my birthday in June, I received two pieces of mail. One was a birthday card. One was from the Coroner stating that they were going to issue final Death Certificates before the inquest, which has been deferred indefinitely, until the end of the upcoming trial. An Interim Death Certificate was issued at the time of Shelley’s death so that we could bring her home to NZ.

It is a strange place to be in on your birthday, sitting with two so very different pieces of information in your hand, in your heart. Seeing in your mind’s eye, fragments of the multiple journeys made to and from London, snippets of my child’s life from any time in her life, when she was born, so tiny and fragile, her graduation, her homecoming. Two parallel realities playing at the same time. It would be strange on any day but birthdays are the day in our family, more important than Christmas or any other officially noted date. Apart from death dates that is.

There is a rationale that runs through my head as I start to open the envelope. Nothing can be worse than what I already know. I have read the Coroner’s report which came in a sealed envelope, within an envelope in case I didn’t want to read it - yet. Nothing can be worse than the daily knowledge that Shelley is dead. I am therefore able to open the envelope and deal with what it contains.

The memorial will be something beautiful to honour all our loved ones. I am pleased about this. I wish there was no need for a memorial.


Arohanui
KG

19 Feb 2008

More than just a headline

I am alive and well, emerging like a somewhat battered bear after a period of hibernation. Three months have gone by now since our move into our new home, two months since I last blogged. It has been a period of settling in, putting our mark on the new home and making it our own. This has involved much physical labour, cleaning spoutings, trimming trees, planting and refreshing the gardens etc. The next big job is staining the ceadar boards. All good stuff and HB & I absolutely love living here. It is the perfect place for us to hold our lives and loves.

SBS & his SH spent the first eight weeks living with us which was fantastic. They are now proud flat dwellers on the North Shore, (a foreign land to us Westies – but I have ventured across the harbour bridge to visit , once so far – daring I know!!) SBS has two jobs and his SH is full time studying at a film school and part time working. They have SH’s little dog with them so they are a busy little family. The good news is that they will need to stay put for the year. Yay!!

FBS has also moved residence and is now flatting above his place of work. How smart and convenient apart from the fact that the boss can make home visits I guess.

Anyway all are well and happy and excited about the unraveling year.

Their dad is doing extremely well in his recuperation which is also great news.

I am busy writing some new poetry and find this totally absorbing to the point that it is hard to sit down and write for the blogsite. The process is completely different. I choose each word with care and it must be the right word. I think I have transferred some of that to the blog and of course, can’t get all those words to be the RIGHT ones hence I put up nothing!! I have been prompted to deal with that and will publish and hopefully not be damned!!

I have had a few thoughts as I have glanced over the papers this year. The way things are handled by the press and how we (the general public respond). We all do it. Scan the paper. Read the horrific stories of violence, murders, and the running tally of road deaths. And then it starts. The letters to the editor, the calls to talkback radio, reflect the divisive nature of these events.

Some a couple of weeks back, showed understanding for a 50 year old male who allegedly took the life, by stabbing, of a 15 yr old tagger. This is a week after our country has hosted yet another tourist murder. A 26 yr old female, Karen Aim, who had been here working and enjoying our country. A week also where a young man working at his family’s dairy was murdered by a robber. 10 homicides in the month of January. It all appears to have gone horribly wrong. People are anxious, frightened and demanding “solutions”. Harsher penalties, cut benefits, electronic tagging of potential offenders, curfews etc etc. The baying public, demand that the government does something.


Community leaders, Mayors, Youth Workers are interview for their views. Some of it is good and useful input a lot of it however, is knee jerk reaction to a particular event.

Each event takes precedence over the previous horror story. Last week’s murder is just that, last week’s. New is current and has a very short life span. As soon as another murder or violent act occurs, that then become the news of the day. You would be hard pushed to find much in-depth ongoing discussion in the daily papers. It is as if the nation screams, bays for action and then forgets.

Politicians, particularly in an election year want to be heard. They sometimes troop along to the funeral of the poor deceased person. Then they state our party will do this, our party will do that. They blame this and they blame that. This from our Minister of Police. Again mostly knee jerk reactions, stuff people want to hear at times when we are all hurting from the tarnished image of our country that these violent acts portray.

We don’t want o be perceived as a country that murders tourists, but we are. We don’t want to be seen as a country with youth, gang or drug problems, but we are. We don’t want to be seen as a country with a growing gap between the rich and the poor, but we are.

After the crisis is over, we all settle back down to our little lives. Maybe adding a few more security bolts to our windows and doors, another sensor light up on the outside of the house. We get on with our small lives, shaking our heads at the state of things and spouting if only we had tougher penalties, bring in boot camps, cut out the social welfare payments – that will teach them. That will sort them out.

All that is enough to make me shake my head and wonder what sort of nation we are building for our families, for our children and our children’s children. Where in any of this is personal responsibility. Where is the tenant of looking out for our children, whether they are kids or adults? Where is the tenet of looking out for our aged parents our neighbours?

We create the society in which we live either by our actions or by default and inaction. There is no one to blame but ourselves when it goes wrong. It is incumbent on all of us by the fact that we are part of this society, to try to find reasonable solutions. We have politicians whose policies impact on all of these crucial matters, employment, housing, education, health, youth issues etc. None of them seem too bothered until headlines are made. As the people who elect our politicians, again either actively or passively, we need to be demanding indepth responses. Not the rabble feeding frenzy we have seen as a result of our terrible murder toll. Yes, it is a changed world but what values to we want out communities to reflect and are we as individuals prepared to do our bit?

I do know that behind the headlines, no matter the circumstances, no matter the cause, murder is a life sentence for the families of the victims. It is irrelevant who, what, why - it only matters that it is true. Your loved one is dead. Choices taken away. It is a life sentence. My heart goes out to all the families involved. Two and a half year's after Shelley's murder - it is as painful and life altering as if it happened yesterday. It is not an area for political haymaking, or for nutty rightwing groups to be taken seriously. What is needed is compassion and intestinal fortitude and a committment to making a real difference. A headline is just that a headline, a fleeting sensationalist collection of a few words. A death is a permanent full stop.

I don’t have the answers and of course any solution is complex to say the least.
I think asking the question first is a good start.

As for Bush – I can’t believe he has used the 7/7 London bombings to prop up his support and justification for the torture process of “waterboarding”. How dare he use any of my family to prop up his argument. I do not condone torture nor do I appreciate his stating that he is sure families of the 7/7 victims would endorse or support this practice. He hasn’t even called me to ask me!! That’s is partly what I mean about media, making hay out of every possible scenario without any thought to the sensibilities of those he is invoking. Absolute rubbish and a disgrace. I was going to email him but thought the SIS may descend on my paradise and throw me into a bath of water!! Coward I know but I really prefer showers. Maybe he will read this and send me an apology. Ha ha.

I am endeavouring to regain my sense of humour – Step 1. Stop reading the papers. Step 2. Don’t watch the news. Step 3. Drink more.

Signing off to have a laugh and go to work!! Now that's funny.

Arohanui

KG

24 Dec 2007

Seasons



24 December 2007
(for Shelley)

there is no season
to grieving

no set end date

no
“thirty days til the season of joy” signs
flashing across the tv
or in the junk mail

it is not that straightforward

there are moments
all year round
that pierce my heart

when I see a new born child
when an autumn leaf falls

sunset/sunrise

walking in the rain
the first glimpse
of a new rose bloom

it is in the look you give me
as I walk past one of your photos

these are but a few of the times
for grieving

it is in every breath I take
it is interwoven
into my acts of living
loving and laughing

it is part of me
as you are part of me


woven into the fabric
of my heart and soul
etched into my very skin

every day
I carry this

the loss of you


Love always,

KG


8 Dec 2007

The Move

Head down, bum up that’s the best way to describe the past week!! The move accomplished. All the contents of our last home boxed up and moved Friday week ago. I took the easy path, went to work and finished in time to go to our old home and ceremoniously close the back door for the last time with SBS. (We weren't the only two to shed a tear or two during the day. It is quite a strange feeling leaving a house that has been your home for so long.) This lack of being on the spot at the time, didn’t stop me stressing and I required a slap from my workmates who thought I had made the sweetest deal, before I stopped going on and on and on about it. No one could believe that I had it so sweet and wanted to know how the hell I managed to do it!!! A certain lack of leave played a major role!! HB did all of the boxing, labeling and getting ready for the move. SBS & his SW arrived just in time to assist HB on the day. I must admit there were tears as it was a fine home that did us well for the past 16 years or so. It had the capacity to contract and expand to meet all our requirements. It was a loving, secure base in our immediate grief. In fact, I thought we might never be able to leave the house.

But guess what, after the packing up comes the unpacking. The unwrapping of hundreds and thousands of presents, stuff you forgot you had, stuff you love and some stuff you donate to local charities. But it is all good.

If it is possible to be in love with a house, I am. In love with this lovely new home that has already accommodated all of my family. A sleepover with both FBS, SBS & his SH, exhausted bodies from lifting, shifting, placing and replacing (don’t blame me but it did take about an hour to get the place for this computer just right!! Ha ha.) It is so amazing to be here. SBS & his SH and her little dog, are staying with us as their plans reveal themselves. It is lovely to have a fullish house once again. We are enjoying lots of laughs and all fit in really well together. The house itself, a long shaped home with plenty of space, 4 bedrooms and two bathrooms and the most amazing outdoor space. I have to pinch myself to believe that I am truly here.

The process of unpacking is horrendous. In order to create order one has to make chaos. You get one room finished, and then have to stuff it full of all the other stuff from the next room, while you sort that room out. I am sitting here surrounded by a mountain of boxes of books, (the last frontier of the shift, the last things to set in place.!!) I have left a pathway between rooms to the computer around this mountain. I may be locked here permanently!!!

Everything fits perfectly into this, our new home. It is stunning and exciting. I have also not cried so much for a long time. That comes about as I reach for each box and open it to find all manner of things that belong to Shelley. I have just set up a bookcase by the computer with her books. The range is incredible from The Tale of the Flopsie Bunnies, The Wind in the Willows, Charlotte’s Web, the C.S. Lewis series, The Chronicles of Narnia, an English/Latin dictionary, cricket books, Once Were Warriors, Trainspotter etc etc. Her favorite toys, her special things all fit here as well. It is both gladdening to have these things and heartbreaking.

As part of the setting-up of this home, we have unwrapped things we bought on our recent trip in September and they too, fit well. It has been fun finding places for our funny little fridge magnets, (a singing Irish one and one that says, Yes I have a kitchen – it came with the house!), our rainbow wind chime and a few other items. We have also sent another load of stuff to the local charity shop and that too feels good.

So the new house is now pretty much in order. The garden is the last frontier to be tackled and needs a bit of weeding here and there and then of course the cedar house does need to be restained and sealed. (Blooming heck I had thought maintenance free meant exactly that!!) Plenty to keep on with, which is great. I may or may not get the lawnmower man back to take on the job of keeping the lawns under control but this first time, I think I will be tempted to mow them myself!! It seems the right thing to do – at least once.

This home is already, very much a part of all of us. We will create new stories as our lives unfold and we will hold Shelley’s place in it.

Arohanui
KG