47 Seconds

It’s movie kind of weather, still slightly summery with a touch of autumn chill. The nights are cool and dewy with the days dawning clear and sunny. It is refreshing not to be in constant heat. You can taste the freshness of the air on your lips as the coolness caresses them and you suck in the air. A sweet autumn kiss, that holds with it a sense of renewal, a change.

The evenings are good for snuggling into the sofa and watching dvds, knowing it is getting cooler outside while you have all the creature comforts and some distraction, inside.

I watched “Across the Universe” and initially wondered if I would be able to stick with it. Thank goodness I did. It is an amazing, totally absorbing commentary on life as seen through a compilation of characters, music and events from the 70’s. Fabulous animated sections interwoven with the ongoing story line of the lives of young men and women from around the globe. The songs are interspersed throughout the movie and the characters burst into song at times that surprise and delight. It is not a musical as such but an extremely artistic and carefully constructed combination of story-telling and the significance of the music of the times. Highly recommended and one of those movies, you just don’t want to end. (Amazing singing by Dana Fuchs – another one to go onto my cd list.)

At the other end of the scale, though no less compelling was “The Bridge.” A documentary film about the Golden Gate Bridge and its claim to fame as the most sought after suicide spot on the planet.

It takes 47 seconds to make the plunge into the waters below the bridge. A body reaches the speed of 120 miles per hour before impact.

In 2004 twenty-four people successfully ended their lives in this manner, at this place.

The film carried stories of the families and friends of those who had died in this manner. It wasn’t macabre. It was compassionate and deeply moving.
All of the dead were loved, if not by family, then by friends, who were left frustrated, sad and sometimes angry. The documentary showed clips of people taking the leap, of others being talked back over the ledge and of one woman who was hauled back over by a passing stranger.

One young man, who had taken the leap, survived. He spoke of changing his mind at the point that his feet left the ledge. He somehow managed to effect and entry into the water, feet first which was the saving factor. He suffered from a mental illness that requires him to be medicated for the rest of his life. He was 24 when the documentary was made. He now just wants to be seen as normal but that is not so easy for his parents, who live in fear of his death.

His father spoke well and said he had told him that if he had cancer, he wouldn’t have a choice but that with medication, he could control his illness and live his life, while limited by that fact, to his fullest potential.

The young man spoke of the experience of something brushing up against his body when he was in the water. He commented that he thought having survived the fall, he was now going to be consumed by a shark!! It wasn’t a shark, it was a seal that circled him and kept him buoyant in the water, which facilitated his rescue. He said this seal was god.

Another young man who had been suicidal all his life, made an agreement with a friend not to kill himself while his mother was alive. He also agreed to put this friends name is a sealed plastic envelope on his person so that she could be told of his death and also promised to phone her to say goodbye.

He kept to those agreements and the woman, who would have been in her 60’s spoke most wisely of the conflict this young man had lived in his life and of the effect this had on her. She spoke with compassion and honesty but like all of us, didn’t have any answers.

The father of another young man who had killed himself, said that he felt his son had been imprisoned in his body and that death was the only way he had of being free.

Both movies exploring the human dilemma of life and death, of happiness versus despair, of coping or not with what the hand of fate, god whatever, deals you.

In the context of my life experiences these movies have given me much food for thought. I doubt I would cope with a child of mine, taking their own life. I would hope there would be sufficient links established that he/she would not feel a plunge into the cold dark deep water was the only answer. As long as there is life there is always a moment of choice. How to accept that death was your child’s choice escapes me. It is another whole area of pain that, thankfully, I do not have to explore. I have the utmost respect and compassion for the familes of those so effected and their ability to make the best of the rest of their lives.

As the mother of a murdered child, I can speak about the death of my child when that choice has been taken away, made by some unknown person on their own secret mission.

I am extraordinarily angry that they felt they had a right to end my child’s life. That they thought this would somehow achieve something, other than the heartbreak and lifelong sentence of grief they have so uncaring inflicted upon myself, my family and anyone who knew and loved Shelley.

A grief that at times, has made me not care if I should die as opposed to making me want to end my life. A grief, that accompanies me every day of my life.

The futility of war and mankind’s inhumanity to man, is still a question with no obvious answers. There can be no answer, when we as peoples of the world, continue to live under the same beliefs that allow such actions to be taken. That someone is right, and therefore someone is wrong and must die, that as a nation, a religious group, a political entity we know best how some other nation or people should live; that we fail to care for or support our less well off members of society, our mentally unwell, our homeless or even our own kin.

There are seconds only, between life and death. Once the line is crossed, no matter by what means, there is no going back.


Kia kaha

KG
XX

Leonard Cohen - Anthem - Ahoy Rotterdam

May the light get in. Much love.
KG
XX

Firestorm

Humidity reigns. It is February and as usual, the humidity is running rife. The air is stifling and the temperature is also running at 27 to 28 degrees most days. We Aucklanders, or Jafas (Just another f @#$@%& Aucklander), as the rest of the country like to call us, find this intolerable.

After night shift this morning, when the day staff were all coming in moaning because it was 23 degrees at 6am, I made a comment that at least we weren’t fighting fires or floods or losing our lives because of the weather!! It pays to keep a little perspective I feel. My comment didn’t go down that well and so I guess it is all relative. If we go around with our heads up our own arses, of course, every little glitch gives justifialble grumbles. Well that’s how it seems to me.

Anyhow, I am grateful that I can breathe in the air, hot and sticky as it may be. I am grateful that no one in my family has been killed in the dreadful firestorms in Victoria, Australia or in the floods in Queensland, Australia.

I am totally devastated and horrified for all those families that have lost not one, but in some cases many of their family. Some have lost partners and children as well as all their worldly goods and pets as well.

What is even more horrifying is that in all likelihood, some of these fires have been the result of the acts of arsonists. It is indeed mass murder. No different to the terrorist bombing on the London tube, that killed Shelley and 51 other dear souls.

There is a lot of pain and distress for all these families in the days ahead. The process of identification of their loved ones, is a painstaking and lengthy one. They will want to scream, why can’t we just go and get them now. It is the most horrendous thing, having to wait to confirm what you already know in your heart, to be true.

My thoughts and feelings lie with all those families – waiting.

My HB and I went to see Leonard Cohen a couple of weeks ago. It was amazing, inspiring and as close to heaven as I can get from this earthly place. I have been listening to a lot of his music and find it fits so many emotional states and reaches into my soul and revives it.

I will place Anthym, courtesy of a You Tube clip, on the site, for all those suffering and for all of us as we sometimes despair at the horrors in this, our world. It is a song of hope, and I hope that the words resonate for others and that the light will get in.


If you feel so inclined, you can contribute to the relief fund, under the Red Cross web site. It is painless and may make a little difference. It is at least something, some action of caring.

Arohanui
KGXX

Prelude to a birthday
(for Shelley 27-01-09)


I never know what to do

the knots in my stomach
start at least a week
before the day

a gut wrenching
sense of abject despair

of not wanting
to name it

of not wanting to say
it

that it is your birthday
(your 30th birthday)

today

I would like the sky
to light up
with magnificent lights
arcing around the world
with you name

I would like the world
to stop spinning on its axis
long enough to freeze frame

the moment of your birth
your first steps
your laughter
your 21st party
your visit home

our last hug


ii

your friends stay close

their lives have changed
since you were home last

most are parents now
some once
some twice over

we have met Ari
have photos of Jaimi Marie
(the Marie after you)

kids you never got to meet
kids that made us laugh

and if I allowed it
would have made me weep
and weep

I imagine
how your life might be
how you would be enjoying it

doing what?
I’m not sure
and I wouldn’t care

you could be a gypsy
a traveler as you were
a teacher of life
as you were

you could have kept
circumnavigating the world
spreading your joy
taking it all in

the possibilities were endless


iii

today
is your 30th birthday

I don’t need the sky
to light up
or the world to stop spinning
on its axis

I have the moments
all of them

freeze framed
in my soul

I have your laughter
tucked away
to make me smile
when it doesn’t hurt so much

I have you with me
every day

every day

I carry this
the loss of you

today
is your 30th birthday

I think it is going to rain
today

With all my love

KG
XX

It's a new day, it's a new dawn

Three quotes from President Obama’s Inauguration address,
Thursday 21st January 0600 NZ time:


"We have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord,"

"America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more,"

"As for our common defence, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals."

Three quotes that made me glad I was awake at 6am NZ Time this morning.

Words that hold the promise of a paradigm shift from the traditional USA stance. The cowboy, the gunslinger, the bully; where the overriding factor seemed to be an eye for an eye and to hell with the rest of you. (“An eye for an eye makes the world go blind: - Ghandi – a quote one of Shelley’s friends has on the bottom of each of her emails.)

I have reason to hope that this fine, humble, man will hold true to his ideals and strive to forge new ways of being, as a leader nation, in this world of ours. That he will choose to lead his government with his people, on a path much less destructive. A path that will not ignore his own country’s poor and disadvantaged. A path that will transform helplessness into hope by finding ways to engage people in their own lives, no matter what their circumstances.

A path that will hopefully, mean less deaths among the sons and daughters of families around the world, no matter their race, religion or ideologies.

Such a shift in the psyche of the USA as a nation, has already taken shape. That is evident in the support Obama has had in his journey to the White House. It was evident on the faces of the million plus people that had physically made it to the Lincoln Memorial to be part of his swearing in. It was evident in the tears of joy that fell from many eyes as they participated in this moment in history.

The goodwill of the nation, and indeed the rest of the world, (mostly) is behind this President. It is no easy task that he takes on. There will always be extremists and radicals that place no value on the lives of others. There will always be those who seek to take lives in some deluded belief that they have a right to do so. There will be those for who power and greed makes the lives of others cheap.

Today though, I am reminded of the overwhelming wish of the majority to live lives of peace; to see their children grown into adults; to live in the expectation that they will not have to stand by the grave of a child killed in hatred. That maybe, just maybe, there is another way of seeking change and co-habiting as nations, as peoples of the world.

Today I wish this man well and have hope that change is indeed a possibility.

Arohanui,

KG

XX

A Rose is Just a Rose

I have again, been stumped by the process of finding words that portray my thought processes. I recognize that is my process of grief. I recognize that this process of grief, is my key life role, following Shelley’s murder.

The reason it is my key life role, is that failure to face up to, to look at, to feel, to breathe this grief will only succeed in limiting my life. That without doing so, I can’t claim, to have my life. If I don’t have my life, I don’t have anything to offer my family.

It is a catch 22. In order to be open to the good things in live, to take joy from the wonderful and joyous things that my life has to offer, I have to also walk hand in hand with my grief, hand in hand with my love and loss. It will be my companion, for the rest of my life.

The shape and form is like one of those liquid shapes in a glass ornament. The ones you turn upside down and watch as the coloured bubbles form and reform shapes, slowly coagulating into a full mass at the bottom of the container. At any time, you can flip it over and what once was, is no more, but is a new entity a new series of creations before it all settles again at the bottom of the container.

At least with such a thing, you are able to decide when to turn it over, when to shake it up, when to let it just be. Grief is not like that. It shakes you up, rattles you through and through, twists and turns at your insides, enrages, frustrates and saddens you beyond words. It is a constant and mysterious companion. You never know when it will hit you full force, or when it will appear as some very gentle sweet thought of some other time and place.

One of the hardest parts is that there is no choice in this scenario that is my life. Shelley had no chance and no choice. That was taken away by the murderer’s.

There is no how to do this task. No right way. Maybe a wrong way, I’m not sure. I do know that it is a unique task for each person effected by Shelley’s death. All of us who love and miss her, have different ways of coping, or not, with our grief. Each one of us at times has a melt down, and we, like the bubbles in the container, regroup and support one another. You never know whose turn is next. You just know that is ok to be however you have to be with it. I have learnt so much from my family, my HB and my sons throughout this process. I am humbled by their wisdom and insights and devastated by the rawness of their grief.

I have previously written about forgiveness. My thoughts and feelings on that haven’t changed. I will never forgive the murderer’s.

When I have been silent, I can say I am sad. The truth is though that anger also silences me. I think I clench my teeth in fear of letting out the rage. I am frightened to hear and see my own anger. I am not sure what it looks like but it is huge. It is difficult to know what to be angry at, which doesn’t help. I end up feeling like a child throwing a tantrum repeating, it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair, fix it, someone just fix it. But you know what? It can’t be fixed. That is where my real anger lies.

I have just watched two movies, in which the stories were of acts of revenge for the murder of a family member, or members. It is always a bit raw watching a movie where someone’s child or partner is murdered. It takes empathy to a whole new level.

Each of the two main characters, embarked on the task of personally killing those responsible for the murder of their loved ones. It was a violent and bloody path and they both achieved their goal. They obliterated the opposition. Total success you could say.

What was intriguing for me, was the personal process of unraveling each of these characters went through. The personal destruction of who they were, who they had seen themselves as I guess, was all encompasing.

The two endings were different. In one the character ended up killing the last person responsible, at the same time as he killed him. They both sat, bloody and battered for a minute or two before they croaked. The chilling words of the last baddie to the avenger, as they both took their last breaths, were “See what I have made you become. You are no different to me now.”

The second movie’s ending, involved the avenger surviving, through the help of an empathetic detective, who allowed her to shoot him, not fatally, and then stage the scene that the baddies had all died in some internal gang shoot out. So you could say, she had gotten away with it. But she too, was no longer the person she had been, how could she be after physically haven taken lives, even of arseholes.

I felt sick at the end of each of these movies, physically and emotionally. It is one thing to have anger, and a lurking rage that can intimidate your own soul. It is an entirely different matter to enact that anger.

Despite the fact that these two stories, were just that, stories in which we might empathise and detach from reality and perhaps have some inner voice saying, good on you, the reality for me is a sense of how wrong all this was.

I have at times felt that there must be something else, that I should be doing about Shelley’s murder. I have felt somehow that I should have been, should be able to shout loud enough so that the world takes notice, and changes the way we do business as human beings. You know, I can fix the world. Stop all the wars, all the injustices, all the imbalances of power, etc etc. You know what - and I know, that is not going to happen.

So I have come full circle, back to the start of this posting. My life task is to live my life as best as I can, as well as I can and to do no harm. I can honour Shelley by doing this, by embracing all that is good, by walking hand in hand with my grief, not being afraid of my feelings. This is my path.

"I would say that I’m a non-violent soldier.
In place of weapons of violence, you have to use your mind, your heart, your sense of humour; every faculty available to you because no one has the right to take the life of another human being.”

Joan Baez b 1941

Arohanui
KG

XX

coldplay fix you

Can't resist posing this. Saw it in the movie Young at Heart then discovered it was from a Coldplay album. Loved the movie, love this song. Enjoy.
More blogging to come.
KG
XX