THE BIG 60

BIRTHDAY

 8 June 2012

today

I am 60 years old

more than twice

your age

you, my darling daughter,

murdered at 26

by a mad bomber

on a London tube

I would give my life for yours

in a heartbeat

give you the chance

to continue your adventures

find love?

have a family?

the possibilities

were endless

I would give you the chance

  to laugh and love

  to enjoy your wonderful brothers

  and their beautiful young women

my only life regret

is that I was unable

                 to save you

unable 

  to swap places with you

                   to take death

                     away from you

I would have embraced death

in a heartbeat 

Arohanui

KG

XX

7/7 Continues

Woke in tears this morning after a vivid dream, not a horrible dream, but one that centred on the hard core of grief that is so often hidden. I had to just go with the feeling of neverending sadness. I miss Shelley every day, and today this has just hit me like a hammer in the head and heart, again.
 Getting myself together and settling to read the Herald, and come across a tiny article which again hits me over the head and makes my stomach churn.
Kenyan Police are seeking the widow of 7/7 bomber, Jermain Lindsay, who murdered Shelley, on 7/7 2005. She is apparently linked to a terrorist cell planning an attack in Kenya. She is travelling with her three children and has stolen the identity of a Natalie Webb, a totally innocent British citizen.

So far fabulous!!

The following extract is from The Telegraph which explains the jist of it.

“She(Samantha Lewthwaite alias Natalie Webb) is suspected of having links to a terrorist cell planning an attack in Kenya after their troops crossed the border to fight al-Shabaab, an al-Qaeda-linked group in Somalia.


The militant group al-Shabaab, which is currently engaged in a guerrilla war against Kenyan security forces in Somalia and has links to al-Qaeda, is believed to be behind the cell. Up to 40 Britons are fighting with al-Shabaab.


"I can give no details, but suffice it to say that we believe she is not a small fish,” a senior police source in Nairobi. “She is among several Britons that our intelligence service is aware of in relation to terrorists' plans to attack us."

Kenyan police claimed to be closing in on the woman at that stage but she has so far evaded capture.”

I am further outraged at the stupidity of the world and this person in particular. In 2005 she had expressed her abhorance at the action’s of her husband, and claimed he his mind had been poisened by radicals. I managed to feel some compassion for her own loss, though I was pleased that he did not survive.

Today, I am just outraged. Knowing that I cannot change such things, or such fucked up thinking I choose simply to express myself in writing.
I reflect on what has become my motto, a quote from Joan Baez



“I would say that I’m a non-violent soldier.
In place of weapons of violence,

you have to use your mind, your heart,

your sense of humour;

every faculty available to you because


NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TAKE THE LIFE


OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.”


If by any chance, she, the budding terrorist, mother of three, widow of one, should read this, well then, take that!! And this….Stop pause and disengage.
Hasn’t your family caused enough death and destruction at the hands of your husband? Aren’t 26 murders enough to have on your hands, which were not so innocent or oblivious as you led us all to believe? In fact 52 deaths resulted from his plotting with his mates but he himself murdered 26 of that number.
 There is evil and there is evil. Evil in the name of a god is the purest and most common form of evil. This is pure evil.

I am stepping into the light, leaving this behind. It will be what it will be.I am off to the movies with my HB and FBS.


Kia kaha,


K

Shelley's Birthday

Today is our darling Shelley’s birthday. She would have been 33years old.


Heartbeat





My heart is broken


never to be repaired



you can live


with a broken heart



(a different type of living)



today, I will take all the joy


Shelley brought into our lives


and hold it close



as I hold her close


every day





Love always and forever


from all your family,




KG


XX

7/7 Fifth Anniversary

Today is the fifth anniversary of the 7/7 London bombings. At approximately 0850 hrs 52 people were murdered, including my daughter, Shelley Marie Mather, and over 700 injured. I place these words for her and all the families of all the victims.

WE WILL NEVER FORGET AND HOLD YOU IN OUR HEARTS

EVERY DAY

TIME HEALS

(so they say)

                                                             five years on

                                                             the sun rises and sets

                                                             the moon stands guard

                                                             watching over us

                                                             the daily grind goes on

                                                             they say

                                                             time heals

                                                             this bears no resemblance

                                                             to my reality

                                                             a chaplin said

                                                                            it will get better with time

                                                             bollocks

                                                              these words are like staples

                                                              into the soft tissue of my brain

                                                              they jolt and scar

                                                              shoot like poisons

                                                              into the open wounds of my heart

                                                              fly like vultures

                                                              into the cavernous ravines

                                                              of my soul

                                                              each second, each hour

                                                              each day, month and year

                                                              is simply a marker

                                                                  of your absence in my life

                                                                  of your senseless murder

                                                                  of my utter despair

Arohanui
Kia kaha


KG
XX

Annie Lennox fingernail MOON

In honour of all our loved ones. Nothing I could say would be as good as this amazing song. Long reign the moon and Annie Lennox!!! Much love, KG XX

CATS RULE THE ROOST!!

CATS AND DOGS





mind shift

to the point

of contemplating

having a pet



the never again

having been slowly

wittled away

by the empty spaces



we have experimented

with dogs

having them as visitors

or house guests even



but deep down

we are cat people

catwomen



Misty and Sparkey

took some of our hearts

but maybe



just maybe



there are two kittens

looking to live

with us



As of last Saturday, the two kittens below live with us.  Our resistance finally worn away, we
have opened ourselves up to the disarray and joy of having pets again.

SMUDGE on the left, and his brother SOOTY on the right, came to us from a dear friend at work.

YAY!!
Arohanui

KG
XX

To be or not to be....a recluse?

That is indeed the question of the moment. My HB & I have just come back from four days at my big sister’s place at Amberly Beach. There are only about 80 houses
there and a wonderful wild and stony beach that stretches all the way back to Christchurch on one end and the outlying peninsula on the other.

Each morning I went down to the beach for a walk along the stony beach, then over the road to walk back through the marshland walkway and pine forest. Each day, I was the only person on the beach. For that time it was my beach, alone.

It was magnificent. Such solitude speaks to my soul and my heart. Nature seeps into places that I avoid, most of the time - the deep pockets of grief and anger that bubble away all of the time, like a dormant volcano. I find I can’t hide, when confronted by nature on the scale of such a wild and deserted beach. It becomes a journey of it’s own. At first I peek into the abyss, then find I am able to take a step forward, to feel the roughness of the stones, the cold wet of the sea. My emotions and thoughts walk step in step with this process of nature and take me to a place of insight and strength. A clarity of thought which again gives me back my voice, well at least my ability to write. My written words are my power. I have returned energized and focused on my writing.

Day one at home: a morning walk in Auckland, sucking in the carbon dioxide emissions from passing cars, and walking up a hill so that I can get at least some sense of expansion. A glimpse of the city-scape. I can see the sky tower, (who can’t!), the monument on one tree hill and a bit of the sea. It is not the same but I focus on being appreciative of what it has to offer, of my place, our haven home, in this landscape.

A trip to the movies, still maintaining the sense of calm and focus, until some idiot (and I am being kind here!) screams into the back of our car while we are stopped at a red light. He works for an insurance company ha ha!!

Two days on: My darling little car, which I love, may cost more to repair than it is worth. I am still waiting on the final verdict from the assessor. I will be devastated if it is not salvageable, after all how much can it cost to fix a caved in boot and two sets of lights sticking out like floppy dog ears? I will have to wait and see.

I had to venture into the city, Auckland city itself this afternoon. Back into the hustle and bustle, of the full of traffic with fuckwits and idiots everywhere. I worked even harder to maintain my sense of calmness in the face of all of this and while driving the complete pile of shit POS, that is the courtesy car from the panel beaters. It was so courteous that it allowed me to put air in the tyres, which were nearly all flat, brush the cobweb off the side mirror and clean the windscreen. It has a red light, he said, that will come on, on the dash. I am not to worry about it, just ignore it. I didn’t tell him I was Ms ultra calm at the moment, so that’s what I will do – ignore it. He did tell me if anything happened to it while I had it, this pile of shit, that there was $750 excess!! Now that is funny. If I was a pessimist and not so calm, I would not even take it out of driveway. Then again I don’t wish to push my luck, maybe I will wait for the call from the assessor before I venture out in the POS again.

At the end of this second day home, the recluse debate is still just that. We could, my HB and I, run away to the Beach, even to that particular Beach. We could live quite comfortably in a small batch/crib and manage our income to suit this change. There would be some costs greater than here, like heating in the middle of winter. They even had snow at the beach last year. But it would be running away and I think a temporary reprieve. I think instead, I/we will continue to at least dip our toes into the big city life. It is after all where my darling FBS, SBS & his SH dwell. It is where we have a tight and loving group of amazing friends, our second whanau. There are many things yet to evolve in the lives of my loved ones and I like being in the same city at least. That’s how it is at present.

Three days on: Good news, my car is fixable!! Yay!

I am venturing out to the plant shop shortly and will come back and spend some time in the spring sun which is shining brightly today. There are also two pairs of Tuis who sing their beautiful solitary, three note call to each other. It is magnificent and it is all in my own back yard. Yay again!

Second piece of good news: My gardening efforts were rewarded by the finding of a special ring I lost three weeks ago, gardening!! It was my last task for the day transplanting a lavender shrub, as I struggled to get its unwieldy shape into the container, I looked down and there it was. The ring, restored now to its rightful finger. Yay again.!!

Arohanui

KG
XX