Today has been a misty rainy day. It is my mid day of three days off and the weather decided the course of action for the day.
I have spent most of it, writing up my exit interview for my current job, which I finish up on 31st July. It has been an interesting process and I hope some of my comments prove helpful and make a bit of a difference. It’s not that it’s an awful job, it just that I have become so bored and while I had thought this particular job would be my last one, I came to the realization that I wouldn’t be able to last the distance. (Well ok the few years left to retirement!! Ha ha)
I am heading back to the future in that I am returning to my previous job as a Police Dispatcher. A few months ago this would have struck fear into my heart but many things have changed over the past 16 months, since I first left that job.
I became unsettled in my new job and was looking around for other opportunities. Nothing appealed and the thought of having to front up to someone half my age to justify my existence and right to a good salary, put me off even more.
I am not sure what it is about Employment Agencies, but they certainly don’t do much for my confidence!! I recall one horror set of questions such as, if I was at a party, would I talk to a tall woman!! I wasn’t sure how to answer this, should I have said, yes of course if she was gorgeous looking, or no I only speak to short women? I mean what was that all about? I was petrified at the thought of being classified as more mentally unstable than I am.
Anyway, I have been spared the embarrassment of appearing to be insane by being welcomed back with enthusiasm to the role I do love. It is a stressful job, but a very rewarding job. You are at the interface of all the things that go wrong in our society, robberies, burglaries, domestic violence. You name it, it gets called in.
I love being able to make a difference, to be in charge of my own decisions and responsible for my own actions. Ok, they can make or break you and we are all aware of how badly things can and do sometimes go wrong with our emergency system. However, fingers crossed nothing drastic happened on my watch before and hopefully my judgment will be in strong play and all the better for the break away.
There is something else I like about the job. There is a tremendous feeling of belonging, support and respect from all areas of the police. When Shelley was murdered, the police family swung into action in a huge way. I can never thank them enough and in some way my return may just do that for me.
There have been two high profile deaths of serving police staff in the past few weeks. I knew only Steve Fitzgerald, as he was the National Communications Manager at the time of 7/7. He was incredible to my family. He swung all the assistance we needed into action and rang me personally many times when Shelley’s Dad and I were in London, waiting for confirmation of her death.
I am eternally grateful for his role in supporting my family, and I know that his dear family now will be receiving all the love and support possible from this, our police family.
I do feel like I am going home again. It will be my honour to carry on assisting the front line police with all my skills and ability. I will do it with even more passion and as a tribute to Steve and all the wonderful staff who put their lives on the line daily.
Arohanui
KG
18 Jul 2008
8 Jul 2008
7/7
We have had phone calls, txts and flowers to the house. It is lovely to know that so many people care so deeply about Shelley and then take the time to check in with us. It all makes a difference.
At another level, there is a deep rage running parallel with all the “nice” things we are doing.
Sitting at lunch with Shelley’s brothers, I just knew Shelley should have been there too. It is a mixed emotion of love and appreciation for them and the awful yawning gap of her absence. That they have been robbed too and have to deal with her murder as best they can.
We are all philosophical souls I guess but I cannot find the words to convey the deep underlying sadness that is only a blink away from spilling out in tears or rage. Looking at all of us today, we are good and keeping on. To maintain eye contact too long would have resulted in the tears flowing. So we joke about stuff and raise our glasses to our beautiful Shelley. We think about all her friends who are so sad too. We think of all the families who lost a loved one and the survivors. It becomes overwhelming.
I have come home to weep and look into Shelley’s eyes in the beautiful photos we have around the home. I just want to hold her and feel the warmth of her body, the movement of her breath and revel in the sound of her laughter.
I am feeling violent in that I could murder a bottle of brandy – but am resisting the urge as I don’t want to start counting the days all over again. So logically, I deal with it knowing there is such a fine line between coping/not coping, resisting the emotion/giving in to it.
I will stay up til after midnight, til the 8th but know that it is the 7th in London then.
Post script: At 730pm NZ time we had a call from a dear friend who was at Kings Cross station placing some flowers for Shelley and thinking about us. She rang to say she wanted us to know she was there, thinking about Shelley and all the victims. The tears flowed but the bottle of brandy remained untouched. A small triump!!
Out of this horror there have been some wonderful new friendships created. Shelley has helped create a wonderful circle of goodness around the globe.
There are not words to express how much I feel and how much I/we appreciate all the ongoing love and support.
Much love always to all our dear ones,
Arohanui
KG
XX
At another level, there is a deep rage running parallel with all the “nice” things we are doing.
Sitting at lunch with Shelley’s brothers, I just knew Shelley should have been there too. It is a mixed emotion of love and appreciation for them and the awful yawning gap of her absence. That they have been robbed too and have to deal with her murder as best they can.
We are all philosophical souls I guess but I cannot find the words to convey the deep underlying sadness that is only a blink away from spilling out in tears or rage. Looking at all of us today, we are good and keeping on. To maintain eye contact too long would have resulted in the tears flowing. So we joke about stuff and raise our glasses to our beautiful Shelley. We think about all her friends who are so sad too. We think of all the families who lost a loved one and the survivors. It becomes overwhelming.
I have come home to weep and look into Shelley’s eyes in the beautiful photos we have around the home. I just want to hold her and feel the warmth of her body, the movement of her breath and revel in the sound of her laughter.
I am feeling violent in that I could murder a bottle of brandy – but am resisting the urge as I don’t want to start counting the days all over again. So logically, I deal with it knowing there is such a fine line between coping/not coping, resisting the emotion/giving in to it.
I will stay up til after midnight, til the 8th but know that it is the 7th in London then.
Post script: At 730pm NZ time we had a call from a dear friend who was at Kings Cross station placing some flowers for Shelley and thinking about us. She rang to say she wanted us to know she was there, thinking about Shelley and all the victims. The tears flowed but the bottle of brandy remained untouched. A small triump!!
Out of this horror there have been some wonderful new friendships created. Shelley has helped create a wonderful circle of goodness around the globe.
There are not words to express how much I feel and how much I/we appreciate all the ongoing love and support.
Much love always to all our dear ones,
Arohanui
KG
XX
6 Jul 2008
7/7/08
There are no perfect words. Just our love and our loss. My thoughts and love are with you all this and every day.
Russell Square:
James Adams; Samantha Badham; Philip Beer; Anna Brandt; Ciaran Cassidy; Rachelle Chung For Yuen; Elizabeth Daplyn; Arthur Frederick; Karolina Gluck; Gamze Gunoral; Lee Harris; Ojara Ikeagwu; Emily Jenkins; Adrian Johnson; Helen Jones; Susan Levy; Shelley Mather; Michael Matsushita; James Mayes; Behnaz Mozakka; Michaela Otto; Atique Sharifi; Ihab Slimane; Christian Small; Monika Suchocka; Mala Trivedi.
Tavistock Square:
Anthony Fatayi-Williams; Jamie Gordon; Giles Hart; Marie Hartley; Miriam Hyman; Shahara Islam; Neetu Jain; Sam Ly; Shyanuja Parathasangary; Anat Rosenberg; Philip Russel; William Wise; Gladys Wundowa.
Aldgate:
Lee Baisden; Benedetta Ciaccia; Richard Ellery; Richard Gray; Anne Moffat; Fiona Stevenson; Carrie Taylor.
Edgware Road:
Michael Brewster; Jonathan Downey; David Foulkes; Colin Morley; Jennifer Nicholson; Laura Webb.
Arohanui
Kia kaha
KG
XX
XX
7/7 Anniversary
PERFECT WORDS
7/7/08
I am trying
to capture
the perfect words
to describe the way it is
without you
to convey the enormity
of this day
this date
7/7
there is a need
I think
to create
a new dictionary
of loss
of loving
of words
to describe
the sweetness of you
the tilt of your mouth
the deliciousness of your laughter
your youth your hopes
your dreams
how to describe
the whirlpool of loss
swirling around us
sucking us up
spitting us out
battered and bruised
there is a need
I think
to create
a new dictionary
7/7/08
I am trying
to capture
the perfect words
to describe the way it is
without you
to convey the enormity
of this day
this date
7/7
there is a need
I think
to create
a new dictionary
of loss
of loving
of words
to describe
the sweetness of you
the tilt of your mouth
the deliciousness of your laughter
your youth your hopes
your dreams
how to describe
the whirlpool of loss
swirling around us
sucking us up
spitting us out
battered and bruised
there is a need
I think
to create
a new dictionary
17 Jun 2008
TO(E)DAY
Well it was actually Friday that the TOE got dealt too!!! I had an appointment for the 28th but really it wasn’t possible to go to work with the TOE as it was. So a call to my wonderful GP on Thursday last, resulted in an appointment that day with a specialist who kindly fitted me into his operating schedule for the next day! No time to think and it was really a relief.
I have since been – doing nothing much!! Photographic evidence supports this. Ha ha. I am honoured to have an intelligent Ted E Bear who likes reading and listening to his Ipod while keeping an eye on me.
End result is I will have had two weeks off work by the time I am certified fit, (not mentally you understand) to return on Saturday. I have to say this has been the silver lining of the cloud of toe pain. I have read three books, got stuck into my writing and have just enjoyed not having to do anything. I have especially enjoyed not having to get up at in the middle of the night to go to work.
The weather is on the turn with slight but consistent drizzle. The house is snug and warm and I don’t worry about leaks in the roof as I did in the older home. It is great and it really does feel like home. The bush out the back is just as glorious in the wet and provides an ever-changing kaleidoscope of colour and movement along with birds of all sorts and the odd visiting neighbourhood cat.
The cat is gentle. It is orange and brown/black and white. It looks like Shelley’s cat, Sparkey. Shelley’s cat got killed by a rouge dog, as she lay sunning herself in the back garden at our old home. It was a shocking violent death to a lovely gentle cat. I had to phone Shelley in London and tell her. It was one of the worst things I had to do, until Shelley died.
I think this visiting look-a-like cat knows we love cats, but are too raw to take on any more pets, anymore anything really. It comes up to us as we sit outside, meows, accepts a pat and then sprawls around for a while. It is a gentle cat and gives us love by remote. We don’t have to worry about its’ day to day welfare. This morning it was sitting curled up at the bottom of the expansive lawn, at the base of one of the native trees. It might have been the pose for in front of a fire on a winter’s day, but it was drizzling and the cat just sat, curled up and looking peaceful. It is nice having her/him around.
June is nearing an end and for me that means the 7th of July is looming. I never know what to do on the day. The day Shelley was murdered. I get very stressed before the day, wondering what I am supposed to do. I always feel like I should scream and shout and yell at everyone in the world, this is the day my darling daughter was murdered. This is her death day. Thought out carefully by a cold-blooded killer who dared to step onto a tube train in London and connect the wires to his homemade bomb. He killed 26 people on Shelley’s tube. His friends killed another 26. They had made a practice run to make sure they got it right.
I am receiving daily updates from the London trial of associates of the murderers. There may be some chance that they will be found guilty and spend the rest of their lives in jail. I really don’t care. Whatever happens to them won’t change my life’s role of doing my best to live as best I can in my grief. It is too late to change what happened.
The murderers at least killed themselves in some misguided belief that their actions were their passport to heaven. I doubt it even exists and maybe that is the last laugh on them. Their being dead in some ways makes it easier; I don’t have to see their faces or wade through a trail involving them. I am not sure I could contain my anger if they were alive. It frightens me to think how I might cope with that, so for me, it is best that they are wherever they are. Hell I think, if that exists.
I won’t run around yelling. I still don’t know what I will do. In some ways it is no different to any other day, without Shelley. It is just that it is the day. The day my life changed forever.
I will think of all her fellow travellers who died; of the survivors who are piecing their lives back into some sort of order while they learn to live with the images and memories of that fateful tube trip.
That is what we do. We all have to learn somehow, how to keep going. I will see my sons and give them a hug. That is all I need with my HB’s love to keep going.
Arohanui,
KG
XX
I have since been – doing nothing much!! Photographic evidence supports this. Ha ha. I am honoured to have an intelligent Ted E Bear who likes reading and listening to his Ipod while keeping an eye on me.
End result is I will have had two weeks off work by the time I am certified fit, (not mentally you understand) to return on Saturday. I have to say this has been the silver lining of the cloud of toe pain. I have read three books, got stuck into my writing and have just enjoyed not having to do anything. I have especially enjoyed not having to get up at in the middle of the night to go to work.The weather is on the turn with slight but consistent drizzle. The house is snug and warm and I don’t worry about leaks in the roof as I did in the older home. It is great and it really does feel like home. The bush out the back is just as glorious in the wet and provides an ever-changing kaleidoscope of colour and movement along with birds of all sorts and the odd visiting neighbourhood cat.
The cat is gentle. It is orange and brown/black and white. It looks like Shelley’s cat, Sparkey. Shelley’s cat got killed by a rouge dog, as she lay sunning herself in the back garden at our old home. It was a shocking violent death to a lovely gentle cat. I had to phone Shelley in London and tell her. It was one of the worst things I had to do, until Shelley died.
I think this visiting look-a-like cat knows we love cats, but are too raw to take on any more pets, anymore anything really. It comes up to us as we sit outside, meows, accepts a pat and then sprawls around for a while. It is a gentle cat and gives us love by remote. We don’t have to worry about its’ day to day welfare. This morning it was sitting curled up at the bottom of the expansive lawn, at the base of one of the native trees. It might have been the pose for in front of a fire on a winter’s day, but it was drizzling and the cat just sat, curled up and looking peaceful. It is nice having her/him around.
June is nearing an end and for me that means the 7th of July is looming. I never know what to do on the day. The day Shelley was murdered. I get very stressed before the day, wondering what I am supposed to do. I always feel like I should scream and shout and yell at everyone in the world, this is the day my darling daughter was murdered. This is her death day. Thought out carefully by a cold-blooded killer who dared to step onto a tube train in London and connect the wires to his homemade bomb. He killed 26 people on Shelley’s tube. His friends killed another 26. They had made a practice run to make sure they got it right.
I am receiving daily updates from the London trial of associates of the murderers. There may be some chance that they will be found guilty and spend the rest of their lives in jail. I really don’t care. Whatever happens to them won’t change my life’s role of doing my best to live as best I can in my grief. It is too late to change what happened.
The murderers at least killed themselves in some misguided belief that their actions were their passport to heaven. I doubt it even exists and maybe that is the last laugh on them. Their being dead in some ways makes it easier; I don’t have to see their faces or wade through a trail involving them. I am not sure I could contain my anger if they were alive. It frightens me to think how I might cope with that, so for me, it is best that they are wherever they are. Hell I think, if that exists.
I won’t run around yelling. I still don’t know what I will do. In some ways it is no different to any other day, without Shelley. It is just that it is the day. The day my life changed forever.
I will think of all her fellow travellers who died; of the survivors who are piecing their lives back into some sort of order while they learn to live with the images and memories of that fateful tube trip.
That is what we do. We all have to learn somehow, how to keep going. I will see my sons and give them a hug. That is all I need with my HB’s love to keep going.
Arohanui,
KG
XX
12 Jun 2008
Pain and Inspiration
I find it incredible that a big toe can cause such pain!! Sad, but true. Having suffered the misfortune of an ingrown toenail, I now have to front up to have it operated on. Yikes!! I am a quivering wreck at the thought of someone, (even though he seems quite a nice Dr), taking both sides of my big toe nail out, (I don’t want to know how!!) and then cauterizing the base of the nail.
There is a date set for this ordeal and it will take all of my fortitude to actually turn up for that appointment, two weeks away. I guess I associate toenail pulling out, cutting up, whatever you want to call it, with all the torture scenes I have seen in movies. I have agreed to say anything they want to avoid the ordeal, but that is not an option. Oh well, I will just have to shut up and put up. That includes keeping my foot elevated for 24 hrs after the event. That might be the most difficult thing for me to do. Actually the most difficult job will by for my HB, who will have to cater to my whimpering and whining!!
I had a wonderful birthday, even though I had succumbed to the flu that is wrecking havoc all around me. FBS, SBS & his SH came over and together with my HB, we shared a wonderful meal and an evening of just being together. Having all my special people in one place at the same time is the best thing that I could ask for. My heart and soul were refreshed and gladdened. They are all so amazing. I am truly blessed and so proud of them all.
I have settled on two tattoo designs and head off today to get them.
Funny how I am looking forward to that pain, as opposed to the toe thing!! Not sure what that says about me.
I have updated my profile with the incredible quote from Joan Baez. It speaks volumes to me and inspires my continued writing. I write with the desire of being one small voice that might make a difference.
I watched a movie on John Lennon and Yoko Ono last week. “the us vs john lennon. What a truly inspirational man he was, and together with Yoko, they took a stand for what they believed in. Peace. Their words and actions put them offside with governments and authorities but they just kept going. Doing what they believed in. The film is very powerful and I highly recommend viewing. I had not really ever truly realized the magic and power of these two amazing people. The viewing has further inspired me and the bad news is, I am going to keep writing!!
Off to the tattoo studio.
Arohanui
KG
XX
There is a date set for this ordeal and it will take all of my fortitude to actually turn up for that appointment, two weeks away. I guess I associate toenail pulling out, cutting up, whatever you want to call it, with all the torture scenes I have seen in movies. I have agreed to say anything they want to avoid the ordeal, but that is not an option. Oh well, I will just have to shut up and put up. That includes keeping my foot elevated for 24 hrs after the event. That might be the most difficult thing for me to do. Actually the most difficult job will by for my HB, who will have to cater to my whimpering and whining!!
I had a wonderful birthday, even though I had succumbed to the flu that is wrecking havoc all around me. FBS, SBS & his SH came over and together with my HB, we shared a wonderful meal and an evening of just being together. Having all my special people in one place at the same time is the best thing that I could ask for. My heart and soul were refreshed and gladdened. They are all so amazing. I am truly blessed and so proud of them all.
I have settled on two tattoo designs and head off today to get them.
Funny how I am looking forward to that pain, as opposed to the toe thing!! Not sure what that says about me.
I have updated my profile with the incredible quote from Joan Baez. It speaks volumes to me and inspires my continued writing. I write with the desire of being one small voice that might make a difference.
I watched a movie on John Lennon and Yoko Ono last week. “the us vs john lennon. What a truly inspirational man he was, and together with Yoko, they took a stand for what they believed in. Peace. Their words and actions put them offside with governments and authorities but they just kept going. Doing what they believed in. The film is very powerful and I highly recommend viewing. I had not really ever truly realized the magic and power of these two amazing people. The viewing has further inspired me and the bad news is, I am going to keep writing!!
Off to the tattoo studio.
Arohanui
KG
XX
1 Jun 2008
Eddie Izzard's Encore on Computers
Sorry can't resist..have been sitting here watching you tube for ages.
WARNING lots of the F word.
Am logging off now. I promise.
KG
XX
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