Still shopping today but the task is now complete. Three pairs of dress slacks, three more gorgeous shirts, (silk) and a fabulous black/charcoal silk tracksuit. The jacket is ideal for throwing over the top of the aforementioned shirts and slacks to wear at work, if the air conditioning is still temperamental. And not to forget, the two new pairs of shoes.
Tomorrow is my final day off before I get back into the 6 on, 4 off routine. I am going to read a book, write some poems and do some gardening. Oh and pick up my slacks which all had to be taken up a bit. I must be shrinking or else all the other fat people are taller than me!!
It has been a weird transition from one job to another. I feel like a real weight has been taken off my shoulders and that I can now resume to contribute in a meaningful way, to the society in which I live. I feel empowered and happy.
Happy is a word that doesn’t fit my skin all that well. But I can’t deny that I am – happy. There is a tandem movement going on, I am happy and at the same time there is room for the enduring sadness that is the missing of my darling Shelley. It runs along with everything. It is present in everything I do, say, feel and think. And guess what, I now know it can be parallel with my happiness.
To complicate matters even further, I am also angry. Angry that I have to deal with all these complicated emotions, angry that I really don’t know the best way of doing that. Angry, angry, angry, that Shelley was murdered. Angry, that the jury couldn’t reach a decision. Angry that July is loaded with so much joy and sorrow. Again tandem emotions. The births of my fabulous sons, their dad’s birthday and Shelley’s death day. Ah at least I know where the anger is coming from. So in July I have great cause to celebrate and great cause to be devastated. I honour both of these emotions as best I can.
I still go to see my counselor, here is a promo for her www.counselme.co.nz
Truly, if you ever need to speak with someone, I recommend this amazing woman. She has guided me and helped keep me sane, (ok but you know what I mean!) I have placed my life in her hands and am a stronger and better person for having done so.
I don’t want this blog to be seen as depressing or morbid. It is simply my recounting of where I am at. Grief is part of my life – I am not ashamed of that and it can’t be any other way. This is my story only and I bare my soul in the hope that it may give comfort to other people working through their grief. If it makes you depressed – don’t read it. I am a cheerful, happy, pretty much well adjusted human being living my life with my grief. I will not silence it nor will it overtake me (with help and the love and support of my family.) It just is.
This week I received the details of the planned Hyde Park Memorial for the 7/7 victims. I plan on being their next July7 for the unveiling of this mangnificent tribute and memorial to all those who died and all those who survived. I just wish it didn’t have to be there at all.
Arohanui,
KG
XX
6 Aug 2008
4 Aug 2008
Shock for a shopaphobic
Fun and shopping are not two words that anyone who knows me, would associate with me!! But hey, I have just had fun shopping. Amazing. I can hardly believe it myself.
Having just left a uniformed job, (not a nice uniform but it certainly cuts time off your start to the day not having to think what to wear), and getting ready to start my new/old job on Friday, I had to get some new duds.
Being something of a shopaphobic I have done this task in two bites. A week or so ago I got up early, hit the mall before almost anyone else, and in two hours had purchased six great tops that I love. Yikes!! What is happening to me. Yes I love them. They are all great colours, soft and stretchy material and they even look nice on me.
Having just left a uniformed job, (not a nice uniform but it certainly cuts time off your start to the day not having to think what to wear), and getting ready to start my new/old job on Friday, I had to get some new duds.
Being something of a shopaphobic I have done this task in two bites. A week or so ago I got up early, hit the mall before almost anyone else, and in two hours had purchased six great tops that I love. Yikes!! What is happening to me. Yes I love them. They are all great colours, soft and stretchy material and they even look nice on me.
New outfit topped off brilliantly - Yeah Right!
Having secured my top half I have felt a bit under pressure to make sure I got the bottom covered. No easy task I can assure you. So today, I kept to my winning strategy and hit the mall early and within not two, but one hour, I had purchased three fabulous pairs of dress slacks. Amazing.
I have since played dress ups, also most unlike me, with both the tops and the bottoms and you will never guess what? They all go together brilliantly. I can’t believe it.
So if any of you out there have suffered the same aversion to malls, and shopping and been like me, happy blobbing around in whatever is comfortable there is hope of a change. I put some of it down to watching the instant makeover programmes on the telly. I chose types of things I would not usually have chosen, took my time, (well not too much time obviously), and hey presto. I doubt I look 10 years younger in four hours but I certainly feel damn flash.
So a good news story for today.
Have fun and if you get bored – go shopping. Ha ha
Arohanui,
KG
PS. Opps, I still have the shoe challenge to go and only three days left!! A piece of cake!!
3 Aug 2008
Hung Jury - 7/7 Trial
On one level I haven’t given the trial much thought. I have received the daily updates from our Metropolitan Police Liaison officer, quickly skimmed through them and then just waited. I waited during the 7th July, then the dates in July that are Shelley’s two brothers birthdays, also her dad’s birthday and the date of her funeral service in NZ – all July dates.
I waited. maybe hoping for some kind of justice to strike the hearts of those alleged to have helped plan the murder or my daughter. Had they been found guilty, I expected to feel some kind of long distance satisfaction that the smirks had been wiped off their faces, and that their lives would now be drastically changed by having to spend their every breathing moment in a prison cell.
Had they been found innocent, strangely, I would have been relieved for them, knowing that a vigilant justice system had thrashed out all the details and reached a sound judgment.
I am surprised at the depth of my feeling at the non-result. I guess I wanted a decision, one way or another. To have no further clarity and the knowledge that it may well all start over again with a retrial, is quite simply devastating. It feels like the worst possible result. I am none the wiser as to whether they participated or not.
All the families of the dead have to wait for an outcome in this trial before a final inquest can be held, and families delivered the “official” findings. Of course, it makes little difference, we all know our loved ones are dead, how they died. The Inquest is, I guess, just another marker in the journey of loss, and it has just been moved further away with no definite time frame.
There may not even be a retrial, there may be a retrial and then could they appeal if found guilty? I don’t know.
In one way, as I say it doesn’t matter, in another way it does and I know that many families and survivors will find this whole process distressing.
My thoughts are with them all at this time.
Kia kaha
KG
I waited. maybe hoping for some kind of justice to strike the hearts of those alleged to have helped plan the murder or my daughter. Had they been found guilty, I expected to feel some kind of long distance satisfaction that the smirks had been wiped off their faces, and that their lives would now be drastically changed by having to spend their every breathing moment in a prison cell.
Had they been found innocent, strangely, I would have been relieved for them, knowing that a vigilant justice system had thrashed out all the details and reached a sound judgment.
I am surprised at the depth of my feeling at the non-result. I guess I wanted a decision, one way or another. To have no further clarity and the knowledge that it may well all start over again with a retrial, is quite simply devastating. It feels like the worst possible result. I am none the wiser as to whether they participated or not.
All the families of the dead have to wait for an outcome in this trial before a final inquest can be held, and families delivered the “official” findings. Of course, it makes little difference, we all know our loved ones are dead, how they died. The Inquest is, I guess, just another marker in the journey of loss, and it has just been moved further away with no definite time frame.
There may not even be a retrial, there may be a retrial and then could they appeal if found guilty? I don’t know.
In one way, as I say it doesn’t matter, in another way it does and I know that many families and survivors will find this whole process distressing.
My thoughts are with them all at this time.
Kia kaha
KG
18 Jul 2008
Back to the Future
Today has been a misty rainy day. It is my mid day of three days off and the weather decided the course of action for the day.
I have spent most of it, writing up my exit interview for my current job, which I finish up on 31st July. It has been an interesting process and I hope some of my comments prove helpful and make a bit of a difference. It’s not that it’s an awful job, it just that I have become so bored and while I had thought this particular job would be my last one, I came to the realization that I wouldn’t be able to last the distance. (Well ok the few years left to retirement!! Ha ha)
I am heading back to the future in that I am returning to my previous job as a Police Dispatcher. A few months ago this would have struck fear into my heart but many things have changed over the past 16 months, since I first left that job.
I became unsettled in my new job and was looking around for other opportunities. Nothing appealed and the thought of having to front up to someone half my age to justify my existence and right to a good salary, put me off even more.
I am not sure what it is about Employment Agencies, but they certainly don’t do much for my confidence!! I recall one horror set of questions such as, if I was at a party, would I talk to a tall woman!! I wasn’t sure how to answer this, should I have said, yes of course if she was gorgeous looking, or no I only speak to short women? I mean what was that all about? I was petrified at the thought of being classified as more mentally unstable than I am.
Anyway, I have been spared the embarrassment of appearing to be insane by being welcomed back with enthusiasm to the role I do love. It is a stressful job, but a very rewarding job. You are at the interface of all the things that go wrong in our society, robberies, burglaries, domestic violence. You name it, it gets called in.
I love being able to make a difference, to be in charge of my own decisions and responsible for my own actions. Ok, they can make or break you and we are all aware of how badly things can and do sometimes go wrong with our emergency system. However, fingers crossed nothing drastic happened on my watch before and hopefully my judgment will be in strong play and all the better for the break away.
There is something else I like about the job. There is a tremendous feeling of belonging, support and respect from all areas of the police. When Shelley was murdered, the police family swung into action in a huge way. I can never thank them enough and in some way my return may just do that for me.
There have been two high profile deaths of serving police staff in the past few weeks. I knew only Steve Fitzgerald, as he was the National Communications Manager at the time of 7/7. He was incredible to my family. He swung all the assistance we needed into action and rang me personally many times when Shelley’s Dad and I were in London, waiting for confirmation of her death.
I am eternally grateful for his role in supporting my family, and I know that his dear family now will be receiving all the love and support possible from this, our police family.
I do feel like I am going home again. It will be my honour to carry on assisting the front line police with all my skills and ability. I will do it with even more passion and as a tribute to Steve and all the wonderful staff who put their lives on the line daily.
Arohanui
KG
I have spent most of it, writing up my exit interview for my current job, which I finish up on 31st July. It has been an interesting process and I hope some of my comments prove helpful and make a bit of a difference. It’s not that it’s an awful job, it just that I have become so bored and while I had thought this particular job would be my last one, I came to the realization that I wouldn’t be able to last the distance. (Well ok the few years left to retirement!! Ha ha)
I am heading back to the future in that I am returning to my previous job as a Police Dispatcher. A few months ago this would have struck fear into my heart but many things have changed over the past 16 months, since I first left that job.
I became unsettled in my new job and was looking around for other opportunities. Nothing appealed and the thought of having to front up to someone half my age to justify my existence and right to a good salary, put me off even more.
I am not sure what it is about Employment Agencies, but they certainly don’t do much for my confidence!! I recall one horror set of questions such as, if I was at a party, would I talk to a tall woman!! I wasn’t sure how to answer this, should I have said, yes of course if she was gorgeous looking, or no I only speak to short women? I mean what was that all about? I was petrified at the thought of being classified as more mentally unstable than I am.
Anyway, I have been spared the embarrassment of appearing to be insane by being welcomed back with enthusiasm to the role I do love. It is a stressful job, but a very rewarding job. You are at the interface of all the things that go wrong in our society, robberies, burglaries, domestic violence. You name it, it gets called in.
I love being able to make a difference, to be in charge of my own decisions and responsible for my own actions. Ok, they can make or break you and we are all aware of how badly things can and do sometimes go wrong with our emergency system. However, fingers crossed nothing drastic happened on my watch before and hopefully my judgment will be in strong play and all the better for the break away.
There is something else I like about the job. There is a tremendous feeling of belonging, support and respect from all areas of the police. When Shelley was murdered, the police family swung into action in a huge way. I can never thank them enough and in some way my return may just do that for me.
There have been two high profile deaths of serving police staff in the past few weeks. I knew only Steve Fitzgerald, as he was the National Communications Manager at the time of 7/7. He was incredible to my family. He swung all the assistance we needed into action and rang me personally many times when Shelley’s Dad and I were in London, waiting for confirmation of her death.
I am eternally grateful for his role in supporting my family, and I know that his dear family now will be receiving all the love and support possible from this, our police family.
I do feel like I am going home again. It will be my honour to carry on assisting the front line police with all my skills and ability. I will do it with even more passion and as a tribute to Steve and all the wonderful staff who put their lives on the line daily.
Arohanui
KG
8 Jul 2008
7/7
We have had phone calls, txts and flowers to the house. It is lovely to know that so many people care so deeply about Shelley and then take the time to check in with us. It all makes a difference.
At another level, there is a deep rage running parallel with all the “nice” things we are doing.
Sitting at lunch with Shelley’s brothers, I just knew Shelley should have been there too. It is a mixed emotion of love and appreciation for them and the awful yawning gap of her absence. That they have been robbed too and have to deal with her murder as best they can.
We are all philosophical souls I guess but I cannot find the words to convey the deep underlying sadness that is only a blink away from spilling out in tears or rage. Looking at all of us today, we are good and keeping on. To maintain eye contact too long would have resulted in the tears flowing. So we joke about stuff and raise our glasses to our beautiful Shelley. We think about all her friends who are so sad too. We think of all the families who lost a loved one and the survivors. It becomes overwhelming.
I have come home to weep and look into Shelley’s eyes in the beautiful photos we have around the home. I just want to hold her and feel the warmth of her body, the movement of her breath and revel in the sound of her laughter.
I am feeling violent in that I could murder a bottle of brandy – but am resisting the urge as I don’t want to start counting the days all over again. So logically, I deal with it knowing there is such a fine line between coping/not coping, resisting the emotion/giving in to it.
I will stay up til after midnight, til the 8th but know that it is the 7th in London then.
Post script: At 730pm NZ time we had a call from a dear friend who was at Kings Cross station placing some flowers for Shelley and thinking about us. She rang to say she wanted us to know she was there, thinking about Shelley and all the victims. The tears flowed but the bottle of brandy remained untouched. A small triump!!
Out of this horror there have been some wonderful new friendships created. Shelley has helped create a wonderful circle of goodness around the globe.
There are not words to express how much I feel and how much I/we appreciate all the ongoing love and support.
Much love always to all our dear ones,
Arohanui
KG
XX
At another level, there is a deep rage running parallel with all the “nice” things we are doing.
Sitting at lunch with Shelley’s brothers, I just knew Shelley should have been there too. It is a mixed emotion of love and appreciation for them and the awful yawning gap of her absence. That they have been robbed too and have to deal with her murder as best they can.
We are all philosophical souls I guess but I cannot find the words to convey the deep underlying sadness that is only a blink away from spilling out in tears or rage. Looking at all of us today, we are good and keeping on. To maintain eye contact too long would have resulted in the tears flowing. So we joke about stuff and raise our glasses to our beautiful Shelley. We think about all her friends who are so sad too. We think of all the families who lost a loved one and the survivors. It becomes overwhelming.
I have come home to weep and look into Shelley’s eyes in the beautiful photos we have around the home. I just want to hold her and feel the warmth of her body, the movement of her breath and revel in the sound of her laughter.
I am feeling violent in that I could murder a bottle of brandy – but am resisting the urge as I don’t want to start counting the days all over again. So logically, I deal with it knowing there is such a fine line between coping/not coping, resisting the emotion/giving in to it.
I will stay up til after midnight, til the 8th but know that it is the 7th in London then.
Post script: At 730pm NZ time we had a call from a dear friend who was at Kings Cross station placing some flowers for Shelley and thinking about us. She rang to say she wanted us to know she was there, thinking about Shelley and all the victims. The tears flowed but the bottle of brandy remained untouched. A small triump!!
Out of this horror there have been some wonderful new friendships created. Shelley has helped create a wonderful circle of goodness around the globe.
There are not words to express how much I feel and how much I/we appreciate all the ongoing love and support.
Much love always to all our dear ones,
Arohanui
KG
XX
6 Jul 2008
7/7/08
There are no perfect words. Just our love and our loss. My thoughts and love are with you all this and every day.
Russell Square:
James Adams; Samantha Badham; Philip Beer; Anna Brandt; Ciaran Cassidy; Rachelle Chung For Yuen; Elizabeth Daplyn; Arthur Frederick; Karolina Gluck; Gamze Gunoral; Lee Harris; Ojara Ikeagwu; Emily Jenkins; Adrian Johnson; Helen Jones; Susan Levy; Shelley Mather; Michael Matsushita; James Mayes; Behnaz Mozakka; Michaela Otto; Atique Sharifi; Ihab Slimane; Christian Small; Monika Suchocka; Mala Trivedi.
Tavistock Square:
Anthony Fatayi-Williams; Jamie Gordon; Giles Hart; Marie Hartley; Miriam Hyman; Shahara Islam; Neetu Jain; Sam Ly; Shyanuja Parathasangary; Anat Rosenberg; Philip Russel; William Wise; Gladys Wundowa.
Aldgate:
Lee Baisden; Benedetta Ciaccia; Richard Ellery; Richard Gray; Anne Moffat; Fiona Stevenson; Carrie Taylor.
Edgware Road:
Michael Brewster; Jonathan Downey; David Foulkes; Colin Morley; Jennifer Nicholson; Laura Webb.
Arohanui
Kia kaha
KG
XX
XX
7/7 Anniversary
PERFECT WORDS
7/7/08
I am trying
to capture
the perfect words
to describe the way it is
without you
to convey the enormity
of this day
this date
7/7
there is a need
I think
to create
a new dictionary
of loss
of loving
of words
to describe
the sweetness of you
the tilt of your mouth
the deliciousness of your laughter
your youth your hopes
your dreams
how to describe
the whirlpool of loss
swirling around us
sucking us up
spitting us out
battered and bruised
there is a need
I think
to create
a new dictionary
7/7/08
I am trying
to capture
the perfect words
to describe the way it is
without you
to convey the enormity
of this day
this date
7/7
there is a need
I think
to create
a new dictionary
of loss
of loving
of words
to describe
the sweetness of you
the tilt of your mouth
the deliciousness of your laughter
your youth your hopes
your dreams
how to describe
the whirlpool of loss
swirling around us
sucking us up
spitting us out
battered and bruised
there is a need
I think
to create
a new dictionary
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