Seasons

24 December 2007
(for Shelley)

there is no season
to grieving

no set end date

no
“thirty days til the season of joy” signs
flashing across the tv
or in the junk mail

it is not that straightforward

there are moments
all year round
that pierce my heart

when I see a new born child
when an autumn leaf falls

sunset/sunrise

walking in the rain
the first glimpse
of a new rose bloom

it is in the look you give me
as I walk past one of your photos

these are but a few of the times
for grieving

it is in every breath I take
it is interwoven
into my acts of living
loving and laughing

it is part of me
as you are part of me


woven into the fabric
of my heart and soul
etched into my very skin

every day
I carry this

the loss of you


Love always,

KG

The Move

Head down, bum up that’s the best way to describe the past week!! The move accomplished. All the contents of our last home boxed up and moved Friday week ago. I took the easy path, went to work and finished in time to go to our old home and ceremoniously close the back door for the last time with SBS. (We weren't the only two to shed a tear or two during the day. It is quite a strange feeling leaving a house that has been your home for so long.) This lack of being on the spot at the time, didn’t stop me stressing and I required a slap from my workmates who thought I had made the sweetest deal, before I stopped going on and on and on about it. No one could believe that I had it so sweet and wanted to know how the hell I managed to do it!!! A certain lack of leave played a major role!! HB did all of the boxing, labeling and getting ready for the move. SBS & his SW arrived just in time to assist HB on the day. I must admit there were tears as it was a fine home that did us well for the past 16 years or so. It had the capacity to contract and expand to meet all our requirements. It was a loving, secure base in our immediate grief. In fact, I thought we might never be able to leave the house.

But guess what, after the packing up comes the unpacking. The unwrapping of hundreds and thousands of presents, stuff you forgot you had, stuff you love and some stuff you donate to local charities. But it is all good.

If it is possible to be in love with a house, I am. In love with this lovely new home that has already accommodated all of my family. A sleepover with both FBS, SBS & his SH, exhausted bodies from lifting, shifting, placing and replacing (don’t blame me but it did take about an hour to get the place for this computer just right!! Ha ha.) It is so amazing to be here. SBS & his SH and her little dog, are staying with us as their plans reveal themselves. It is lovely to have a fullish house once again. We are enjoying lots of laughs and all fit in really well together. The house itself, a long shaped home with plenty of space, 4 bedrooms and two bathrooms and the most amazing outdoor space. I have to pinch myself to believe that I am truly here.

The process of unpacking is horrendous. In order to create order one has to make chaos. You get one room finished, and then have to stuff it full of all the other stuff from the next room, while you sort that room out. I am sitting here surrounded by a mountain of boxes of books, (the last frontier of the shift, the last things to set in place.!!) I have left a pathway between rooms to the computer around this mountain. I may be locked here permanently!!!

Everything fits perfectly into this, our new home. It is stunning and exciting. I have also not cried so much for a long time. That comes about as I reach for each box and open it to find all manner of things that belong to Shelley. I have just set up a bookcase by the computer with her books. The range is incredible from The Tale of the Flopsie Bunnies, The Wind in the Willows, Charlotte’s Web, the C.S. Lewis series, The Chronicles of Narnia, an English/Latin dictionary, cricket books, Once Were Warriors, Trainspotter etc etc. Her favorite toys, her special things all fit here as well. It is both gladdening to have these things and heartbreaking.

As part of the setting-up of this home, we have unwrapped things we bought on our recent trip in September and they too, fit well. It has been fun finding places for our funny little fridge magnets, (a singing Irish one and one that says, Yes I have a kitchen – it came with the house!), our rainbow wind chime and a few other items. We have also sent another load of stuff to the local charity shop and that too feels good.

So the new house is now pretty much in order. The garden is the last frontier to be tackled and needs a bit of weeding here and there and then of course the cedar house does need to be restained and sealed. (Blooming heck I had thought maintenance free meant exactly that!!) Plenty to keep on with, which is great. I may or may not get the lawnmower man back to take on the job of keeping the lawns under control but this first time, I think I will be tempted to mow them myself!! It seems the right thing to do – at least once.

This home is already, very much a part of all of us. We will create new stories as our lives unfold and we will hold Shelley’s place in it.

Arohanui
KG