To be or not to be....a recluse?

That is indeed the question of the moment. My HB & I have just come back from four days at my big sister’s place at Amberly Beach. There are only about 80 houses
there and a wonderful wild and stony beach that stretches all the way back to Christchurch on one end and the outlying peninsula on the other.

Each morning I went down to the beach for a walk along the stony beach, then over the road to walk back through the marshland walkway and pine forest. Each day, I was the only person on the beach. For that time it was my beach, alone.

It was magnificent. Such solitude speaks to my soul and my heart. Nature seeps into places that I avoid, most of the time - the deep pockets of grief and anger that bubble away all of the time, like a dormant volcano. I find I can’t hide, when confronted by nature on the scale of such a wild and deserted beach. It becomes a journey of it’s own. At first I peek into the abyss, then find I am able to take a step forward, to feel the roughness of the stones, the cold wet of the sea. My emotions and thoughts walk step in step with this process of nature and take me to a place of insight and strength. A clarity of thought which again gives me back my voice, well at least my ability to write. My written words are my power. I have returned energized and focused on my writing.

Day one at home: a morning walk in Auckland, sucking in the carbon dioxide emissions from passing cars, and walking up a hill so that I can get at least some sense of expansion. A glimpse of the city-scape. I can see the sky tower, (who can’t!), the monument on one tree hill and a bit of the sea. It is not the same but I focus on being appreciative of what it has to offer, of my place, our haven home, in this landscape.

A trip to the movies, still maintaining the sense of calm and focus, until some idiot (and I am being kind here!) screams into the back of our car while we are stopped at a red light. He works for an insurance company ha ha!!

Two days on: My darling little car, which I love, may cost more to repair than it is worth. I am still waiting on the final verdict from the assessor. I will be devastated if it is not salvageable, after all how much can it cost to fix a caved in boot and two sets of lights sticking out like floppy dog ears? I will have to wait and see.

I had to venture into the city, Auckland city itself this afternoon. Back into the hustle and bustle, of the full of traffic with fuckwits and idiots everywhere. I worked even harder to maintain my sense of calmness in the face of all of this and while driving the complete pile of shit POS, that is the courtesy car from the panel beaters. It was so courteous that it allowed me to put air in the tyres, which were nearly all flat, brush the cobweb off the side mirror and clean the windscreen. It has a red light, he said, that will come on, on the dash. I am not to worry about it, just ignore it. I didn’t tell him I was Ms ultra calm at the moment, so that’s what I will do – ignore it. He did tell me if anything happened to it while I had it, this pile of shit, that there was $750 excess!! Now that is funny. If I was a pessimist and not so calm, I would not even take it out of driveway. Then again I don’t wish to push my luck, maybe I will wait for the call from the assessor before I venture out in the POS again.

At the end of this second day home, the recluse debate is still just that. We could, my HB and I, run away to the Beach, even to that particular Beach. We could live quite comfortably in a small batch/crib and manage our income to suit this change. There would be some costs greater than here, like heating in the middle of winter. They even had snow at the beach last year. But it would be running away and I think a temporary reprieve. I think instead, I/we will continue to at least dip our toes into the big city life. It is after all where my darling FBS, SBS & his SH dwell. It is where we have a tight and loving group of amazing friends, our second whanau. There are many things yet to evolve in the lives of my loved ones and I like being in the same city at least. That’s how it is at present.

Three days on: Good news, my car is fixable!! Yay!

I am venturing out to the plant shop shortly and will come back and spend some time in the spring sun which is shining brightly today. There are also two pairs of Tuis who sing their beautiful solitary, three note call to each other. It is magnificent and it is all in my own back yard. Yay again!

Second piece of good news: My gardening efforts were rewarded by the finding of a special ring I lost three weeks ago, gardening!! It was my last task for the day transplanting a lavender shrub, as I struggled to get its unwieldy shape into the container, I looked down and there it was. The ring, restored now to its rightful finger. Yay again.!!

Arohanui

KG
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