Birthday Boys

FBS and SBS both have birthdays in July. They were born two years and two days apart. SBS had his 21st in 2005 in between our bringing his sister’s body home from London, his dad’s birthday, FBs’s birthday and then Shelley’s service at St Matthews in the City.

The 21st was a quiet affair, a meal with the gathering clan of family and friends who had come from all corners of the globe to support us. This year his SH (sweetheart) and he had a campfire meal somewhere near Broome, Western Australia. They have left the previously mentioned frogs behind and also the nearly completed hotel. They are now on another adventure, camping out and looking for work on the oyster boats. They will slowly work their way down to Perth and link up with more family before heading back to us for a few months. They then plan to head to Europe.

I have an assortment of phone numbers for SBS & his SH. The have individual NZ cells and a new Oz cell. I wanted to speak to him on his birthday, the day before or after is just not the same. So I tried all of the above contacts. None of them worked!! The number you are calling is not authorized to accept calls, said some posh fellow. SBS and I, had I thought, sorted this problem out last time I tried calling.

Plan B. Texted his dad and FBS to see if they had had any success in getting hold of them. His dad had got at least to a voicemail on one of the numbers I had been trying. FBS had yet another number!! HB rang it and called out to me that it was working, (me being far too distressed to manage this task.) HB passed me the phone. I heard the hello, and launched into a tirade of how stressed I had become trying to get hold of him. HB kept saying, don’t worry about that, just get to the Happy Birthday part, (HB is far more sensible than me!!). I yelled back, I will, I just need to do this first!!!!!

I hadn’t realized how traumatic it would be trying and getting no reply, just not being able to speak to SBS. The night of the London bombings, HB & I tried and tried Shelley’s phone. We tried for two days to get to hear her sweet voice. Each time we tried the knowledge that she was not going to answer the phone became slightly more certain. The reason, the only reason, for that, was too dreadful to consider. However, as the hours went by and we kept trying with no success, the nightmare began in full force. I don’t think I am overly dramatic (stop laughing!) but this simple task for SBS’s birthday call, showed me the power of PTSD. I really was a mess and hate to think what state I would have been in had we not managed to speak to him at that time. Right then.

I didn’t explain to SBS why I was so stressed, though I am sure he would have known. Neither of us said anything about that but I am sure he would have been equally aware of my reasons. Once I had finished yelling at him, we had a fabulous chat with both SBS & his SH. They sound so settled in their ways together. No matter that they don’t quite know what is around the corner. They are relishing every moment together, facing the challenges and growing even stronger and closer together. They are sending more stuff to store in our attic space. Great, I said. Bring it on. It’s marvelous. Plenty of room. No chance we can downsize house-wise now.!!

Their sweet voices were like magic nectar to my soul. No one and nothing could harm me, nor dent the euphoria I was experiencing.

FBS and I were both working on his birthday. We celebrated after the day, (but I did contact him on the actual date), with a meal out at the Mexican Café, (an Auckland Icon). To be honest, it wouldn’t have mattered where we went. It is enough to be together, to be able to give each other a hug, to share our jokes and stories. His adventures involve the night folk of K’Rd. He meets all sorts of people as he fulfills his role, protecting the patrons who frequent his workplace. (No its not a brothel – it’s a bar/nightclub. He loves every minute of his work and has just passed his Bar Manager’s licence. More adventures ahead. He is at home in the city. Not yet any desire to travel. Even Queen St, is a bit out of zone.

As I am writing this blog, I am appreciating that it is a different process for me, writing prose. Attempting to convey to any readers some sense of an experience, a feeling an observation, I find myself grappling with the words. My passion is to capture an essence and to place it, sculpt it into a poem. I am more used to polishing my words, honing them down, putting them in a nutshell, if you like. The wordiness of sentences seems unwieldy. Much harder to capture the fragility and beauty of such things. Hopefully, it is a skill that increases with practice!

I know this, my feelings for FBS & SBS are immeasurable. They have been through so much and have given me so much; have given each other so much.

I have crafted words about them in my book, “Dear Shelley".

BROTHERS IN ARMS


they stand
one
arms encasing
the other

holding him
as he weeps
for you

both with tears falling softly, gently

they are magnificent young men

so proud of you

full of love for you
full of love for each other

“she has always been before us”
“we always knew she was out there living her life”

now there is emptiness
an unknowing

a dreadful sadness
to be carried

blunt truths to be faced

they put them succinctly
pulling me back from the abyss

I wonder
how they got to be so wise

and loving

holding you forever
in their lives

__________



I think these are my best words. Two years on I would simply add, they are my strength, my sanity, my humour and my loves. They make my heart sweet, heal my wounds and honour Shelley with their lives. They are good men.

Kia kaha
Arohanui


KG