7/7

We have had phone calls, txts and flowers to the house. It is lovely to know that so many people care so deeply about Shelley and then take the time to check in with us. It all makes a difference.

At another level, there is a deep rage running parallel with all the “nice” things we are doing.

Sitting at lunch with Shelley’s brothers, I just knew Shelley should have been there too. It is a mixed emotion of love and appreciation for them and the awful yawning gap of her absence. That they have been robbed too and have to deal with her murder as best they can.

We are all philosophical souls I guess but I cannot find the words to convey the deep underlying sadness that is only a blink away from spilling out in tears or rage. Looking at all of us today, we are good and keeping on. To maintain eye contact too long would have resulted in the tears flowing. So we joke about stuff and raise our glasses to our beautiful Shelley. We think about all her friends who are so sad too. We think of all the families who lost a loved one and the survivors. It becomes overwhelming.

I have come home to weep and look into Shelley’s eyes in the beautiful photos we have around the home. I just want to hold her and feel the warmth of her body, the movement of her breath and revel in the sound of her laughter.

I am feeling violent in that I could murder a bottle of brandy – but am resisting the urge as I don’t want to start counting the days all over again. So logically, I deal with it knowing there is such a fine line between coping/not coping, resisting the emotion/giving in to it.

I will stay up til after midnight, til the 8th but know that it is the 7th in London then.

Post script: At 730pm NZ time we had a call from a dear friend who was at Kings Cross station placing some flowers for Shelley and thinking about us. She rang to say she wanted us to know she was there, thinking about Shelley and all the victims. The tears flowed but the bottle of brandy remained untouched. A small triump!!

Out of this horror there have been some wonderful new friendships created. Shelley has helped create a wonderful circle of goodness around the globe.

There are not words to express how much I feel and how much I/we appreciate all the ongoing love and support.

Much love always to all our dear ones,

Arohanui

KG
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