More Shopping More Grief

Still shopping today but the task is now complete. Three pairs of dress slacks, three more gorgeous shirts, (silk) and a fabulous black/charcoal silk tracksuit. The jacket is ideal for throwing over the top of the aforementioned shirts and slacks to wear at work, if the air conditioning is still temperamental. And not to forget, the two new pairs of shoes.

Tomorrow is my final day off before I get back into the 6 on, 4 off routine. I am going to read a book, write some poems and do some gardening. Oh and pick up my slacks which all had to be taken up a bit. I must be shrinking or else all the other fat people are taller than me!!

It has been a weird transition from one job to another. I feel like a real weight has been taken off my shoulders and that I can now resume to contribute in a meaningful way, to the society in which I live. I feel empowered and happy.

Happy is a word that doesn’t fit my skin all that well. But I can’t deny that I am – happy. There is a tandem movement going on, I am happy and at the same time there is room for the enduring sadness that is the missing of my darling Shelley. It runs along with everything. It is present in everything I do, say, feel and think. And guess what, I now know it can be parallel with my happiness.

To complicate matters even further, I am also angry. Angry that I have to deal with all these complicated emotions, angry that I really don’t know the best way of doing that. Angry, angry, angry, that Shelley was murdered. Angry, that the jury couldn’t reach a decision. Angry that July is loaded with so much joy and sorrow. Again tandem emotions. The births of my fabulous sons, their dad’s birthday and Shelley’s death day. Ah at least I know where the anger is coming from. So in July I have great cause to celebrate and great cause to be devastated. I honour both of these emotions as best I can.

I still go to see my counselor, here is a promo for her www.counselme.co.nz
Truly, if you ever need to speak with someone, I recommend this amazing woman. She has guided me and helped keep me sane, (ok but you know what I mean!) I have placed my life in her hands and am a stronger and better person for having done so.

I don’t want this blog to be seen as depressing or morbid. It is simply my recounting of where I am at. Grief is part of my life – I am not ashamed of that and it can’t be any other way. This is my story only and I bare my soul in the hope that it may give comfort to other people working through their grief. If it makes you depressed – don’t read it. I am a cheerful, happy, pretty much well adjusted human being living my life with my grief. I will not silence it nor will it overtake me (with help and the love and support of my family.) It just is.

This week I received the details of the planned Hyde Park Memorial for the 7/7 victims. I plan on being their next July7 for the unveiling of this mangnificent tribute and memorial to all those who died and all those who survived. I just wish it didn’t have to be there at all.

Arohanui,
KG
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