(for Shelley 27-01-09)
I never know what to do
the knots in my stomach
start at least a week
before the day
a gut wrenching
sense of abject despair
of not wanting
to name it
of not wanting to say
it
that it is your birthday
(your 30th birthday)
today
I would like the sky
to light up
with magnificent lights
arcing around the world
with you name
I would like the world
to stop spinning on its axis
long enough to freeze frame
the moment of your birth
your first steps
your laughter
your 21st party
your visit home
our last hug
ii
your friends stay close
their lives have changed
since you were home last
most are parents now
some once
some twice over
we have met Ari
have photos of Jaimi Marie
(the Marie after you)
kids you never got to meet
kids that made us laugh
and if I allowed it
would have made me weep
and weep
I imagine
how your life might be
how you would be enjoying it
doing what?
I’m not sure
and I wouldn’t care
you could be a gypsy
a traveler as you were
a teacher of life
as you were
you could have kept
circumnavigating the world
spreading your joy
taking it all in
the possibilities were endless
iii
today
is your 30th birthday
I don’t need the sky
to light up
or the world to stop spinning
on its axis
I have the moments
all of them
freeze framed
in my soul
I have your laughter
tucked away
to make me smile
when it doesn’t hurt so much
I have you with me
every day
every day
I carry this
the loss of you
today
is your 30th birthday
I think it is going to rain
today
With all my love
KG
XX
5 comments:
Kathryn
I have tears running down my face.
Much much much love to you and your family on Shelley's 30th Birthday.
AROHANUI
Kia ora KG,
This is a beautiful tribute. Kia kaha.
Aroha,
Robb
Bought tears to my eyes my friend - I am sorry I missed it this year :( :(
I also have tears though I read this months later. I remember the day you wrote this, I was wandering a beach in India, subdued because I too knew that it was her 30th.
Tears for Shelley here too, and a big hug to you.
xxxx
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