Seventh Anniversay of 7/7

In loving memory of my darling daughter, Shelley, murdered this day, in 2005, in the 7/7 London Bombings.

In love and support of the 51 other families who lost loved ones.  



                    "A much loved daughter, sister and friend.”

                                             Loved always and forever





                                                                Russell Square:

James Adams; Samantha Badham; Philip Beer; Anna Brandt; Ciaran Cassidy; Rachelle Chung For Yuen; Elizabeth Daplyn; Arthur Frederick; Karolina Gluck; Gamze Gunoral; Lee Harris; Ojara Ikeagwu; Emily Jenkins; Adrian Johnson; Helen Jones; Susan Levy; Shelley Mather; Michael Matsushita; James Mayes; Behnaz Mozakka; Michaela Otto; Atique Sharifi; Ihab Slimane; Christian Small; Monika Suchocka; Mala Trivedi.

                                                               Tavistock Square:

Anthony Fatayi-Williams; Jamie Gordon; Giles Hart; Marie Hartley; Miriam Hyman; Shahara Islam; Neetu Jain; Sam Ly; Shyanuja Parathasangary; Anat Rosenberg; Philip Russel; William Wise; Gladys Wundowa.

                                                                      Aldgate:

Lee Baisden; Benedetta Ciaccia; Richard Ellery; Richard Gray; Anne Moffat; Fiona Stevenson; Carrie Taylor.

                                                                 Edgware Road:

Michael Brewster; Jonathan Downey; David Foulkes; Colin Morley; Jennifer Nicholson; Laura Webb.


                                                      WE WILL NEVER FORGET


Kia Kaha

KG
XX

THE BIG 60

BIRTHDAY

 8 June 2012

today

I am 60 years old

more than twice

your age

you, my darling daughter,

murdered at 26

by a mad bomber

on a London tube

I would give my life for yours

in a heartbeat

give you the chance

to continue your adventures

find love?

have a family?

the possibilities

were endless

I would give you the chance

  to laugh and love

  to enjoy your wonderful brothers

  and their beautiful young women

my only life regret

is that I was unable

                 to save you

unable 

  to swap places with you

                   to take death

                     away from you

I would have embraced death

in a heartbeat 

Arohanui

KG

XX

7/7 Continues

Woke in tears this morning after a vivid dream, not a horrible dream, but one that centred on the hard core of grief that is so often hidden. I had to just go with the feeling of neverending sadness. I miss Shelley every day, and today this has just hit me like a hammer in the head and heart, again.
 Getting myself together and settling to read the Herald, and come across a tiny article which again hits me over the head and makes my stomach churn.
Kenyan Police are seeking the widow of 7/7 bomber, Jermain Lindsay, who murdered Shelley, on 7/7 2005. She is apparently linked to a terrorist cell planning an attack in Kenya. She is travelling with her three children and has stolen the identity of a Natalie Webb, a totally innocent British citizen.

So far fabulous!!

The following extract is from The Telegraph which explains the jist of it.

“She(Samantha Lewthwaite alias Natalie Webb) is suspected of having links to a terrorist cell planning an attack in Kenya after their troops crossed the border to fight al-Shabaab, an al-Qaeda-linked group in Somalia.


The militant group al-Shabaab, which is currently engaged in a guerrilla war against Kenyan security forces in Somalia and has links to al-Qaeda, is believed to be behind the cell. Up to 40 Britons are fighting with al-Shabaab.


"I can give no details, but suffice it to say that we believe she is not a small fish,” a senior police source in Nairobi. “She is among several Britons that our intelligence service is aware of in relation to terrorists' plans to attack us."

Kenyan police claimed to be closing in on the woman at that stage but she has so far evaded capture.”

I am further outraged at the stupidity of the world and this person in particular. In 2005 she had expressed her abhorance at the action’s of her husband, and claimed he his mind had been poisened by radicals. I managed to feel some compassion for her own loss, though I was pleased that he did not survive.

Today, I am just outraged. Knowing that I cannot change such things, or such fucked up thinking I choose simply to express myself in writing.
I reflect on what has become my motto, a quote from Joan Baez



“I would say that I’m a non-violent soldier.
In place of weapons of violence,

you have to use your mind, your heart,

your sense of humour;

every faculty available to you because


NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TAKE THE LIFE


OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.”


If by any chance, she, the budding terrorist, mother of three, widow of one, should read this, well then, take that!! And this….Stop pause and disengage.
Hasn’t your family caused enough death and destruction at the hands of your husband? Aren’t 26 murders enough to have on your hands, which were not so innocent or oblivious as you led us all to believe? In fact 52 deaths resulted from his plotting with his mates but he himself murdered 26 of that number.
 There is evil and there is evil. Evil in the name of a god is the purest and most common form of evil. This is pure evil.

I am stepping into the light, leaving this behind. It will be what it will be.I am off to the movies with my HB and FBS.


Kia kaha,


K

Shelley's Birthday

Today is our darling Shelley’s birthday. She would have been 33years old.


Heartbeat





My heart is broken


never to be repaired



you can live


with a broken heart



(a different type of living)



today, I will take all the joy


Shelley brought into our lives


and hold it close



as I hold her close


every day





Love always and forever


from all your family,




KG


XX

7/7 Fifth Anniversary

Today is the fifth anniversary of the 7/7 London bombings. At approximately 0850 hrs 52 people were murdered, including my daughter, Shelley Marie Mather, and over 700 injured. I place these words for her and all the families of all the victims.

WE WILL NEVER FORGET AND HOLD YOU IN OUR HEARTS

EVERY DAY

TIME HEALS

(so they say)

                                                             five years on

                                                             the sun rises and sets

                                                             the moon stands guard

                                                             watching over us

                                                             the daily grind goes on

                                                             they say

                                                             time heals

                                                             this bears no resemblance

                                                             to my reality

                                                             a chaplin said

                                                                            it will get better with time

                                                             bollocks

                                                              these words are like staples

                                                              into the soft tissue of my brain

                                                              they jolt and scar

                                                              shoot like poisons

                                                              into the open wounds of my heart

                                                              fly like vultures

                                                              into the cavernous ravines

                                                              of my soul

                                                              each second, each hour

                                                              each day, month and year

                                                              is simply a marker

                                                                  of your absence in my life

                                                                  of your senseless murder

                                                                  of my utter despair

Arohanui
Kia kaha


KG
XX

Annie Lennox fingernail MOON

In honour of all our loved ones. Nothing I could say would be as good as this amazing song. Long reign the moon and Annie Lennox!!! Much love, KG XX

CATS RULE THE ROOST!!

CATS AND DOGS





mind shift

to the point

of contemplating

having a pet



the never again

having been slowly

wittled away

by the empty spaces



we have experimented

with dogs

having them as visitors

or house guests even



but deep down

we are cat people

catwomen



Misty and Sparkey

took some of our hearts

but maybe



just maybe



there are two kittens

looking to live

with us



As of last Saturday, the two kittens below live with us.  Our resistance finally worn away, we
have opened ourselves up to the disarray and joy of having pets again.

SMUDGE on the left, and his brother SOOTY on the right, came to us from a dear friend at work.

YAY!!
Arohanui

KG
XX

To be or not to be....a recluse?

That is indeed the question of the moment. My HB & I have just come back from four days at my big sister’s place at Amberly Beach. There are only about 80 houses
there and a wonderful wild and stony beach that stretches all the way back to Christchurch on one end and the outlying peninsula on the other.

Each morning I went down to the beach for a walk along the stony beach, then over the road to walk back through the marshland walkway and pine forest. Each day, I was the only person on the beach. For that time it was my beach, alone.

It was magnificent. Such solitude speaks to my soul and my heart. Nature seeps into places that I avoid, most of the time - the deep pockets of grief and anger that bubble away all of the time, like a dormant volcano. I find I can’t hide, when confronted by nature on the scale of such a wild and deserted beach. It becomes a journey of it’s own. At first I peek into the abyss, then find I am able to take a step forward, to feel the roughness of the stones, the cold wet of the sea. My emotions and thoughts walk step in step with this process of nature and take me to a place of insight and strength. A clarity of thought which again gives me back my voice, well at least my ability to write. My written words are my power. I have returned energized and focused on my writing.

Day one at home: a morning walk in Auckland, sucking in the carbon dioxide emissions from passing cars, and walking up a hill so that I can get at least some sense of expansion. A glimpse of the city-scape. I can see the sky tower, (who can’t!), the monument on one tree hill and a bit of the sea. It is not the same but I focus on being appreciative of what it has to offer, of my place, our haven home, in this landscape.

A trip to the movies, still maintaining the sense of calm and focus, until some idiot (and I am being kind here!) screams into the back of our car while we are stopped at a red light. He works for an insurance company ha ha!!

Two days on: My darling little car, which I love, may cost more to repair than it is worth. I am still waiting on the final verdict from the assessor. I will be devastated if it is not salvageable, after all how much can it cost to fix a caved in boot and two sets of lights sticking out like floppy dog ears? I will have to wait and see.

I had to venture into the city, Auckland city itself this afternoon. Back into the hustle and bustle, of the full of traffic with fuckwits and idiots everywhere. I worked even harder to maintain my sense of calmness in the face of all of this and while driving the complete pile of shit POS, that is the courtesy car from the panel beaters. It was so courteous that it allowed me to put air in the tyres, which were nearly all flat, brush the cobweb off the side mirror and clean the windscreen. It has a red light, he said, that will come on, on the dash. I am not to worry about it, just ignore it. I didn’t tell him I was Ms ultra calm at the moment, so that’s what I will do – ignore it. He did tell me if anything happened to it while I had it, this pile of shit, that there was $750 excess!! Now that is funny. If I was a pessimist and not so calm, I would not even take it out of driveway. Then again I don’t wish to push my luck, maybe I will wait for the call from the assessor before I venture out in the POS again.

At the end of this second day home, the recluse debate is still just that. We could, my HB and I, run away to the Beach, even to that particular Beach. We could live quite comfortably in a small batch/crib and manage our income to suit this change. There would be some costs greater than here, like heating in the middle of winter. They even had snow at the beach last year. But it would be running away and I think a temporary reprieve. I think instead, I/we will continue to at least dip our toes into the big city life. It is after all where my darling FBS, SBS & his SH dwell. It is where we have a tight and loving group of amazing friends, our second whanau. There are many things yet to evolve in the lives of my loved ones and I like being in the same city at least. That’s how it is at present.

Three days on: Good news, my car is fixable!! Yay!

I am venturing out to the plant shop shortly and will come back and spend some time in the spring sun which is shining brightly today. There are also two pairs of Tuis who sing their beautiful solitary, three note call to each other. It is magnificent and it is all in my own back yard. Yay again!

Second piece of good news: My gardening efforts were rewarded by the finding of a special ring I lost three weeks ago, gardening!! It was my last task for the day transplanting a lavender shrub, as I struggled to get its unwieldy shape into the container, I looked down and there it was. The ring, restored now to its rightful finger. Yay again.!!

Arohanui

KG
XX

7/7 Conspiracy Theorists

Here it is September already. The year has flown by at a great rate. Winter is on the turn and hints of spring flash out from the blossom trees in the street, the roses starting to bud and best of all, our avocado tree is flowering!!

The tree was a present from SBS & his SH, the first Christmas we spent in this, our new home. He said it took at least 7 years to bear fruit and that meant we had to stay here, for at least that long. It is a slow process, tree growing. He need have no fear that we would move; this home is it for us. There will not be another move.

FBS, SBS & his SH and her dog, have moved in together into a lovely old villa in Central Auckland. It is a great home for them, plenty of room and good grounds for the dog to run around. It is also within walking distance to all their places of work. I can now pop in and see all of them at once, and it makes catching up that much easier. We all work shift work and it is a matter of some planning for us all to be in the same place at the same time, but it sure is worth it.

I have been thinking, as I frequently do, of the process of grief. I watched the 9/11 programme that held the voice messages of loved ones to their families. These were grueling to listen too as most of them knew they would not make it. The protocols of the dying and of those left behind, means that there is no preferable way to come to the end of a loving relationship. Many of those who spoke, took comfort from hearing the voice of their loved one. For me, it was the panic of unanswered messages to her cell phone, of hearing her voice on the recorded message, saying, to leave a message and she would get back to me. She never did of course, and that was the point that it really sank in, that I might never hear from her again.

I kept ringing her cell phone, even after we had returned to Auckland, just to hear her voice. I am not sure where her phone was, maybe in amongst the thousand of items collected by the police investigators; I don’t know. I just know that I rang it and she spoke. I knew it would end sometime, but it was horrific when I rang it maybe some 6 months after the event, and got the standard message that this number is either out of range or no longer available.

Update 28/09: Last night on the “Sunday” programme they ran a story about the 7/7 Conspiracy theorists. These are people who firmly believe that the 7/7 bombings were undertaking by the British Government. The story they ran was from a British documentary, which we knew had screened prior to7/7 this year. It was not available over here at the time and it was sheer chance that we happened to catch it on TV last night, one of the benefits of channel surfing I guess.

I have to say my blood was boiling through most of the programme. It wasn’t until the final segment, when they exposed the stupidity of the conspiraloons that I managed to calm down. These people are complete nutters with an agenda of proving themselves right. They don’t have all the information and are not directly involved in the situation. They are driven by some kind of desire to show that governments lie and deceive all the time and their own egomaniacal personalities.

Personally I find their actions despicable. They don’t care about the dead and injured from such events. They don’t care about logic or facts. They embarked on an active hate and threat campaign against Rachel North, one of the most amazing young women I have met in my life. She was also on the programme and as usual, spoke with a voice of reason.

Perhaps the most worrying effect of these fuckwits, is that the Muslim community in London, or should I say some of the Muslim community, believe everything they say. This may of course have to do with such crap putting them in the role of victim as opposed to aggressors. It was horrifying to hear a Muslim leader at the Birmingham Mosque say the things that he did say.

From the minute Shelley’s Dad and I set foot in London on 9/9/2005, we were briefed by the head of the security services. We had frequent meetings with them over this time. These men were devastated by this act of terror and there is no way they would have been able to be as they were, if they had been party to this act of terror.

On my return to London on the first anniversary, my HB & I meet with the same officials at Scotland Yard. They showed us information that is not generally available to the wider public, and were also still restrained by what they could reveal to us, due to the upcoming trials relating to 7/7.

One of the stories the conspiraloons keep saying is that the bombs were underneath the trains and the 4 Muslim men were patsies, set up by the secret service. Don’t ask me how.

I saw photographic evidence of the impact of the bombs. The belief that the explosion was underneath the carriage is based on the fact the floor of the carriage appeared to have exploded upwards and inwards. The facts are, the bombs were exploded on the trains, by these young men. Due to the location of the Kings Cross train, at the time, the bomb exploded internally then due to the confined space, a secondary blast occurred as the fallout had no where else to go. For these fuckwits to keep opening their mouths with such drivel is not only extremely disrespectful but also shows them to be more idiotic than we already know them to be.

The survivors and the forensic investigations have pieced together the real story of the 7/7 bombings. Those who need to know, know the facts. Nothing anyone else can say will change these truths. It would be great if these idiots just shut the fuck up and let those involved try to keep on building their lives, as best they can.

Kia kaha,

KGX

London Bombings Inquiry

There is progress ahead in the push for an inquiry into 7/7. Rachel North has a detailed update on her blogsite http://www.rachelnorthlondon.blogspot.com/ entry Wednesday July 08, 2009.

I have supported this move, not because it will change anything for me, or my family, but because there are questions to be asked and answered, if we hope to successfully avoid further incidents, such as 7/7.

The series of investigations so far, come to the conclusion, that given the way the Intelligence Services work, given the funding and staffing resources they have, other than hindsight, there was little else they could do to counter the plans of the four successful suicide bombers.

This may or may not be the case, and hindsight, as we all know plays little part in analyzing such brutal events. Yes, maybe they could have put the pieces together better, maybe they should have been aware of the intensity and purpose of these four suspects and their alleged, though proven not guilty conspirators (Operation Theseus Trial).

Changes have been made, both to way the Security and Intelligence services work together and the way the Emergency Response services work together. This is all good and hopefully, will lead to a more co-ordinated, speedier response to multiple scene events and overwhelming numbers of those requiring assistance. I hope so.

This does not devalue the point of a full Ministerial Inquiry. There are such matters as the delineation of policed areas and the lack of the sharing of information. This is horrific to me and completely nonsensical. Why do the powers that be not view the whole country as one and set up data bases that make readily accessible all the tit bits of information about various individuals? Is it a matter of guarding your own power base? I am certainly left wondering how logic does not win this argument.

I would like to see a fair and just system that does not take away the rights of the individual but also does not squander information and render useless, the purpose of the Security and Intelligence services.

The use of torture abhors me, and I have already made comment about George W Bush, having the audacity to claim the support of families of the 7/7 dead and injured, to prop up disgusting practice.

17/02/2008 Pukekochic

As for Bush – I can’t believe he has used the 7/7 London bombings to prop up his support and justification for the torture process of “waterboarding”. How dare he use any of my family to prop up his argument. I do not condone torture nor do I appreciate his stating that he is sure families of the 7/7 victims would endorse or support this practice. He hasn’t even called me to ask me!! That’s is partly what I mean about media, making hay out of every possible scenario without any thought to the sensibilities of those he is invoking. Absolute rubbish and a disgrace. I was going to email him but thought the SIS may descend on my paradise and throw me into a bath of water!! Coward I know but I really prefer showers. Maybe he will read this and send me an apology. Ha ha.

If we are calling this, the war on terror, then surely the tennents of the Geneva Convention and justice should prevail. Persons should be detained in humane settings, faced with evidence and the right to defend themselves judicially speaking, and deal with the consequences. The processes should be transparent, not clandestine nor should they add to, man’s inhumanity to man.

Rendition should not be enacted in anyone’s name.

Enough said for now.
Arohanui

KG
XX

Shelley 7/7 2009

Shelley,


I look in the mirror
and see a person
that may be me

she
looks like me

somewhat older
working on being thinner
an ex drinker
(ah but still a smoker
well I am not a saint!)

I do not understand
who I am anymore

part of my soul
has been ripped out
by your murder

I think
maybe
you have
a piece of my soul
with your soul

maybe
it is something you
can wrap around yourself
and know
you are loved

it is a comfort

I will think of it like that
I can live with that

in my half shadow world

with a piece missing


XX always

7/7 Fourth Anniversary

The 7th July dawns in NZ, one day ahead of London.

Today, we will huddle, as Shelley’s small family, linked by the love and friendships
Shelley created on her life’s journey.

Tomorrow in London, at the Hyde Park unveiling, an amazing group of people will stand, in Shelley’s name, to honour Shelley and all those murdered on 7/7.

I could not be more proud or humbled by the love shared and displayed.

My thoughts and love are will all those present, and of course, with all the families of the 51 murdered and the hundreds of survivors and injured.

The special friends we have made, will know who they are, and are in our hearts today as always.

Much love
Kia kaha

KG

XX

Interlude

I bet you didn’t even know we had left the country! Well we are back now, my HB & I. We had 10 days in Oz, and no, we aren’t oinking or sniffling with the swine flu. We just made it out of there before their somewhat lax procedures got a wake up call and they realized that, yes, there is a problem.

We were in Brisbane about the time the debacle over the cruise ship passengers took place. Thankfully they were sent out to quarantine off shore til we departed the country.

It was a time for family catch up in both Perth & Brisbane and suffice to say it was fantastic with plenty of stories to be told. We went for my best friend’s son’s wedding. Well second wedding ceremony to be exact. The first one was up in Karijini, which is in the middle of nowhere but spectacular. The second celebration was for the slightly less adventurous family members, and was held at a surf club in Perth. It was wonderful to be able to share in this celebration. In Brisbane we had a family reunion, with my two sisters and partners. One lives in Brisbane and the other one who had come from Christchurch for the weekend. We also caught up with Shelley’s dear friend J in Brisbane, and that is, as always, very special.

Before we left NZ there was much to organize for the 7/7 Fourth Anniversary this year when an amazing steel structure will be unveiled in Hyde Park. There are 52 columns representing all those murdered on that day. There will be a plaque with names on, in a garden by the sculpture. It is designed so that you can walk around, between the towers. I think it will give an incredible sense of the individual and collective number of loved ones lost. We will get to stand there but not this year.

Through no actions on mine, and again through the amazing network of friends Shelley made, I deputized our wonderful LM and he undertook to be our man in London. He has since got a list of names of about a dozen friends who will be standing in that place on the 7th July. The govt department organizing the event has been incredibly helpful and so real in their communications with myself, and now our Man in London. If there is a sensitive and caring way to do these things, they sure have got that sussed.

There are not sufficient words to express how incredible and true this amazing group is. They were there for us from the morning of the 7th, when they knew Shelley had not got to work. They drove all over London, to all the hospitals looking for her, giving her photo to policemen on the street. They were by our sides from the minute her dad and I got to London on the 9th and have stood with us ever since.

Many of them will reunite on the 7th along with two of our Auckland friends who happen to be in London, and who were there for the 1st Anniversay and our two amazing Police Liaison Officers, who we now count as friends.

On the home front, the winter has set in. We have had 2degrees at night and thick white frosts in the morning. My two hibiscus plants look like cooked spinach and I am hoping they will revive in the spring.

SBS & his SH and their dog are staying with us for a while. They came to house sit and then get sorted to find a new flat closer to their work places. It is lovely having a full house. It is hilarious trying to keep up with the comings and goings as all for of us, (excluding the dog!) work shift work. It is the funniest household; there is usually someone sleeping, someone cooking and someone heading off to work. We have totally confused any prospective burglars, which can’t be bad.

FBS is also wanting to move out of his work/home so he will become part of the new set up once they find a house that they all three, plus the dog, like. FBS will keep working at the same place, but the time for living and working there has now past. It will be great for them to be all together.

Today is the first of my four days off and I am feeling energetic and looking forward to getting some things done around the house and to do some more writing.

There is a lot going on in my head, believe it or not!! I hope to be able to sift through the murk and get some focus for my writing.

Keep well, keep strong,
Arohanui

KG

XX

Terrorist Trial London Bombings

There is a second trial happening in London, for three men Waheed Ali, 25, Sadeer Saleem, 28, and Mohammed Shakil, 32, all of Beeston, Leeds. The first trial ended with a hung jury. These three men are charged with “consipiracy to cause an explosion.” The jury had been told that Ali, Saleem, and Shakil, visited a series of locations on December 16 and 17, 2004, which bore a "striking similarity" to where the bombs were detonated on July 7 the following year.

Suicide bombers Mohammed Siddique Khan, Shezhad Tanweer, Hasib Hussain and Jermaine Lindsay detonated rucksack devices packed with explosives on three tube trains and a bus killing 52 people (including my daughter, Shelley), and injuring up to a thousand more.

The trial heard that the three defendants travelled from Leeds to London with Hussain, who later detonated his bomb on the No 30 bus in Tavistock Square claiming 13 lives.

There they also met Jermaine Lindsay, who killed 26 people on a Piccadilly Line underground train, and the group stayed overnight in a hostel. The prosecution alleged that the trip was "an essential preparatory step in the plan to bring death and destruction to the heart of the UK".
The jury in the second trial, retired to consider the information on April 18th. We are all waiting with baited breath, for their decision.

It is an agonising process for those bereaved families, and those who survived the bombings. A “hung jury”, is perhaps the worst outcome possible. If these men, were involved in any way, then they should be held accountable. If they are not, that should be the end of it.
The impact of the trial is manyfold, in that the inquests into the deaths cannot proceed until the trial is completed, which includes the jury being able to make a decision.

It also puts on hold, calls for an inquiry in the 7/7 bombings and the actions or inactions of the Security Services. The reason for this is that some information is said to be sub judice.
There has been a tremendous amount of work undertaken by members of the 7/7 Inquiry Group made up of survivors and families of the bereaved.

I do not know if these men are guilty or not. I do know that there are some serious flaws in the actions/inactions of those groups charged with monitoring the potential threat to Londoners.
It is well documented that the 7/7 bombers where not in fact “clean skins” as first claimed by the powers that be. In fact there was video survelliance of them long before 7/7. Taped conversations and observations which, you would think, should have raised a few alarm bells.
The drive and determination to get some answers, is from a place of ensuring that no such errors, if that is what they are, occur again. That the separate groups monitoring persons perceived to be threats, communicate with each other; that pre-emptive actions be taken.
That no other persons have to go through what the bereaved families and survivors have gone through – especially if it could have been prevented.

UPDATE: April 28, 2009: The jury is back and all three were acquited of the main charges “conspiracy to cause an explostion. Two Ali and Shakil, were however, convicted of conspiracty to attend a place used for terrorist training. They were about to board a flight to Pakistan when they were arrested in 2007.

So four years on, two trials later and the result is in. There will be no more trials in relation to the 7/7 bombings.

I am not sure what I think as a result of all this, The police must have been confident to undertake a second trial, at such huge expense in money terms and resources. They may have hoped for a more certain outcome, though it seems lots of the evidence is circumstantial. On reading some of it, as a lay person, there is still sufficient doubt in my mind about the reasons they went to the places they did, the association they had with the bombers, that I am not fully convinced their intentions were innocent. However, that is that.

It is not unreasonable for me to say, that I am at least glad the terrorists who detonated the bombs, killed themselves. That is what they wanted to do so I guess they are satisfied.
I will wait for my thoughts to settle before adding any more.

Arohanui
KG
XX

47 Seconds

It’s movie kind of weather, still slightly summery with a touch of autumn chill. The nights are cool and dewy with the days dawning clear and sunny. It is refreshing not to be in constant heat. You can taste the freshness of the air on your lips as the coolness caresses them and you suck in the air. A sweet autumn kiss, that holds with it a sense of renewal, a change.

The evenings are good for snuggling into the sofa and watching dvds, knowing it is getting cooler outside while you have all the creature comforts and some distraction, inside.

I watched “Across the Universe” and initially wondered if I would be able to stick with it. Thank goodness I did. It is an amazing, totally absorbing commentary on life as seen through a compilation of characters, music and events from the 70’s. Fabulous animated sections interwoven with the ongoing story line of the lives of young men and women from around the globe. The songs are interspersed throughout the movie and the characters burst into song at times that surprise and delight. It is not a musical as such but an extremely artistic and carefully constructed combination of story-telling and the significance of the music of the times. Highly recommended and one of those movies, you just don’t want to end. (Amazing singing by Dana Fuchs – another one to go onto my cd list.)

At the other end of the scale, though no less compelling was “The Bridge.” A documentary film about the Golden Gate Bridge and its claim to fame as the most sought after suicide spot on the planet.

It takes 47 seconds to make the plunge into the waters below the bridge. A body reaches the speed of 120 miles per hour before impact.

In 2004 twenty-four people successfully ended their lives in this manner, at this place.

The film carried stories of the families and friends of those who had died in this manner. It wasn’t macabre. It was compassionate and deeply moving.
All of the dead were loved, if not by family, then by friends, who were left frustrated, sad and sometimes angry. The documentary showed clips of people taking the leap, of others being talked back over the ledge and of one woman who was hauled back over by a passing stranger.

One young man, who had taken the leap, survived. He spoke of changing his mind at the point that his feet left the ledge. He somehow managed to effect and entry into the water, feet first which was the saving factor. He suffered from a mental illness that requires him to be medicated for the rest of his life. He was 24 when the documentary was made. He now just wants to be seen as normal but that is not so easy for his parents, who live in fear of his death.

His father spoke well and said he had told him that if he had cancer, he wouldn’t have a choice but that with medication, he could control his illness and live his life, while limited by that fact, to his fullest potential.

The young man spoke of the experience of something brushing up against his body when he was in the water. He commented that he thought having survived the fall, he was now going to be consumed by a shark!! It wasn’t a shark, it was a seal that circled him and kept him buoyant in the water, which facilitated his rescue. He said this seal was god.

Another young man who had been suicidal all his life, made an agreement with a friend not to kill himself while his mother was alive. He also agreed to put this friends name is a sealed plastic envelope on his person so that she could be told of his death and also promised to phone her to say goodbye.

He kept to those agreements and the woman, who would have been in her 60’s spoke most wisely of the conflict this young man had lived in his life and of the effect this had on her. She spoke with compassion and honesty but like all of us, didn’t have any answers.

The father of another young man who had killed himself, said that he felt his son had been imprisoned in his body and that death was the only way he had of being free.

Both movies exploring the human dilemma of life and death, of happiness versus despair, of coping or not with what the hand of fate, god whatever, deals you.

In the context of my life experiences these movies have given me much food for thought. I doubt I would cope with a child of mine, taking their own life. I would hope there would be sufficient links established that he/she would not feel a plunge into the cold dark deep water was the only answer. As long as there is life there is always a moment of choice. How to accept that death was your child’s choice escapes me. It is another whole area of pain that, thankfully, I do not have to explore. I have the utmost respect and compassion for the familes of those so effected and their ability to make the best of the rest of their lives.

As the mother of a murdered child, I can speak about the death of my child when that choice has been taken away, made by some unknown person on their own secret mission.

I am extraordinarily angry that they felt they had a right to end my child’s life. That they thought this would somehow achieve something, other than the heartbreak and lifelong sentence of grief they have so uncaring inflicted upon myself, my family and anyone who knew and loved Shelley.

A grief that at times, has made me not care if I should die as opposed to making me want to end my life. A grief, that accompanies me every day of my life.

The futility of war and mankind’s inhumanity to man, is still a question with no obvious answers. There can be no answer, when we as peoples of the world, continue to live under the same beliefs that allow such actions to be taken. That someone is right, and therefore someone is wrong and must die, that as a nation, a religious group, a political entity we know best how some other nation or people should live; that we fail to care for or support our less well off members of society, our mentally unwell, our homeless or even our own kin.

There are seconds only, between life and death. Once the line is crossed, no matter by what means, there is no going back.


Kia kaha

KG
XX

Leonard Cohen - Anthem - Ahoy Rotterdam

May the light get in. Much love.
KG
XX

Firestorm

Humidity reigns. It is February and as usual, the humidity is running rife. The air is stifling and the temperature is also running at 27 to 28 degrees most days. We Aucklanders, or Jafas (Just another f @#$@%& Aucklander), as the rest of the country like to call us, find this intolerable.

After night shift this morning, when the day staff were all coming in moaning because it was 23 degrees at 6am, I made a comment that at least we weren’t fighting fires or floods or losing our lives because of the weather!! It pays to keep a little perspective I feel. My comment didn’t go down that well and so I guess it is all relative. If we go around with our heads up our own arses, of course, every little glitch gives justifialble grumbles. Well that’s how it seems to me.

Anyhow, I am grateful that I can breathe in the air, hot and sticky as it may be. I am grateful that no one in my family has been killed in the dreadful firestorms in Victoria, Australia or in the floods in Queensland, Australia.

I am totally devastated and horrified for all those families that have lost not one, but in some cases many of their family. Some have lost partners and children as well as all their worldly goods and pets as well.

What is even more horrifying is that in all likelihood, some of these fires have been the result of the acts of arsonists. It is indeed mass murder. No different to the terrorist bombing on the London tube, that killed Shelley and 51 other dear souls.

There is a lot of pain and distress for all these families in the days ahead. The process of identification of their loved ones, is a painstaking and lengthy one. They will want to scream, why can’t we just go and get them now. It is the most horrendous thing, having to wait to confirm what you already know in your heart, to be true.

My thoughts and feelings lie with all those families – waiting.

My HB and I went to see Leonard Cohen a couple of weeks ago. It was amazing, inspiring and as close to heaven as I can get from this earthly place. I have been listening to a lot of his music and find it fits so many emotional states and reaches into my soul and revives it.

I will place Anthym, courtesy of a You Tube clip, on the site, for all those suffering and for all of us as we sometimes despair at the horrors in this, our world. It is a song of hope, and I hope that the words resonate for others and that the light will get in.


If you feel so inclined, you can contribute to the relief fund, under the Red Cross web site. It is painless and may make a little difference. It is at least something, some action of caring.

Arohanui
KGXX

Prelude to a birthday
(for Shelley 27-01-09)


I never know what to do

the knots in my stomach
start at least a week
before the day

a gut wrenching
sense of abject despair

of not wanting
to name it

of not wanting to say
it

that it is your birthday
(your 30th birthday)

today

I would like the sky
to light up
with magnificent lights
arcing around the world
with you name

I would like the world
to stop spinning on its axis
long enough to freeze frame

the moment of your birth
your first steps
your laughter
your 21st party
your visit home

our last hug


ii

your friends stay close

their lives have changed
since you were home last

most are parents now
some once
some twice over

we have met Ari
have photos of Jaimi Marie
(the Marie after you)

kids you never got to meet
kids that made us laugh

and if I allowed it
would have made me weep
and weep

I imagine
how your life might be
how you would be enjoying it

doing what?
I’m not sure
and I wouldn’t care

you could be a gypsy
a traveler as you were
a teacher of life
as you were

you could have kept
circumnavigating the world
spreading your joy
taking it all in

the possibilities were endless


iii

today
is your 30th birthday

I don’t need the sky
to light up
or the world to stop spinning
on its axis

I have the moments
all of them

freeze framed
in my soul

I have your laughter
tucked away
to make me smile
when it doesn’t hurt so much

I have you with me
every day

every day

I carry this
the loss of you

today
is your 30th birthday

I think it is going to rain
today

With all my love

KG
XX

It's a new day, it's a new dawn

Three quotes from President Obama’s Inauguration address,
Thursday 21st January 0600 NZ time:


"We have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord,"

"America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more,"

"As for our common defence, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals."

Three quotes that made me glad I was awake at 6am NZ Time this morning.

Words that hold the promise of a paradigm shift from the traditional USA stance. The cowboy, the gunslinger, the bully; where the overriding factor seemed to be an eye for an eye and to hell with the rest of you. (“An eye for an eye makes the world go blind: - Ghandi – a quote one of Shelley’s friends has on the bottom of each of her emails.)

I have reason to hope that this fine, humble, man will hold true to his ideals and strive to forge new ways of being, as a leader nation, in this world of ours. That he will choose to lead his government with his people, on a path much less destructive. A path that will not ignore his own country’s poor and disadvantaged. A path that will transform helplessness into hope by finding ways to engage people in their own lives, no matter what their circumstances.

A path that will hopefully, mean less deaths among the sons and daughters of families around the world, no matter their race, religion or ideologies.

Such a shift in the psyche of the USA as a nation, has already taken shape. That is evident in the support Obama has had in his journey to the White House. It was evident on the faces of the million plus people that had physically made it to the Lincoln Memorial to be part of his swearing in. It was evident in the tears of joy that fell from many eyes as they participated in this moment in history.

The goodwill of the nation, and indeed the rest of the world, (mostly) is behind this President. It is no easy task that he takes on. There will always be extremists and radicals that place no value on the lives of others. There will always be those who seek to take lives in some deluded belief that they have a right to do so. There will be those for who power and greed makes the lives of others cheap.

Today though, I am reminded of the overwhelming wish of the majority to live lives of peace; to see their children grown into adults; to live in the expectation that they will not have to stand by the grave of a child killed in hatred. That maybe, just maybe, there is another way of seeking change and co-habiting as nations, as peoples of the world.

Today I wish this man well and have hope that change is indeed a possibility.

Arohanui,

KG

XX

A Rose is Just a Rose

I have again, been stumped by the process of finding words that portray my thought processes. I recognize that is my process of grief. I recognize that this process of grief, is my key life role, following Shelley’s murder.

The reason it is my key life role, is that failure to face up to, to look at, to feel, to breathe this grief will only succeed in limiting my life. That without doing so, I can’t claim, to have my life. If I don’t have my life, I don’t have anything to offer my family.

It is a catch 22. In order to be open to the good things in live, to take joy from the wonderful and joyous things that my life has to offer, I have to also walk hand in hand with my grief, hand in hand with my love and loss. It will be my companion, for the rest of my life.

The shape and form is like one of those liquid shapes in a glass ornament. The ones you turn upside down and watch as the coloured bubbles form and reform shapes, slowly coagulating into a full mass at the bottom of the container. At any time, you can flip it over and what once was, is no more, but is a new entity a new series of creations before it all settles again at the bottom of the container.

At least with such a thing, you are able to decide when to turn it over, when to shake it up, when to let it just be. Grief is not like that. It shakes you up, rattles you through and through, twists and turns at your insides, enrages, frustrates and saddens you beyond words. It is a constant and mysterious companion. You never know when it will hit you full force, or when it will appear as some very gentle sweet thought of some other time and place.

One of the hardest parts is that there is no choice in this scenario that is my life. Shelley had no chance and no choice. That was taken away by the murderer’s.

There is no how to do this task. No right way. Maybe a wrong way, I’m not sure. I do know that it is a unique task for each person effected by Shelley’s death. All of us who love and miss her, have different ways of coping, or not, with our grief. Each one of us at times has a melt down, and we, like the bubbles in the container, regroup and support one another. You never know whose turn is next. You just know that is ok to be however you have to be with it. I have learnt so much from my family, my HB and my sons throughout this process. I am humbled by their wisdom and insights and devastated by the rawness of their grief.

I have previously written about forgiveness. My thoughts and feelings on that haven’t changed. I will never forgive the murderer’s.

When I have been silent, I can say I am sad. The truth is though that anger also silences me. I think I clench my teeth in fear of letting out the rage. I am frightened to hear and see my own anger. I am not sure what it looks like but it is huge. It is difficult to know what to be angry at, which doesn’t help. I end up feeling like a child throwing a tantrum repeating, it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair, fix it, someone just fix it. But you know what? It can’t be fixed. That is where my real anger lies.

I have just watched two movies, in which the stories were of acts of revenge for the murder of a family member, or members. It is always a bit raw watching a movie where someone’s child or partner is murdered. It takes empathy to a whole new level.

Each of the two main characters, embarked on the task of personally killing those responsible for the murder of their loved ones. It was a violent and bloody path and they both achieved their goal. They obliterated the opposition. Total success you could say.

What was intriguing for me, was the personal process of unraveling each of these characters went through. The personal destruction of who they were, who they had seen themselves as I guess, was all encompasing.

The two endings were different. In one the character ended up killing the last person responsible, at the same time as he killed him. They both sat, bloody and battered for a minute or two before they croaked. The chilling words of the last baddie to the avenger, as they both took their last breaths, were “See what I have made you become. You are no different to me now.”

The second movie’s ending, involved the avenger surviving, through the help of an empathetic detective, who allowed her to shoot him, not fatally, and then stage the scene that the baddies had all died in some internal gang shoot out. So you could say, she had gotten away with it. But she too, was no longer the person she had been, how could she be after physically haven taken lives, even of arseholes.

I felt sick at the end of each of these movies, physically and emotionally. It is one thing to have anger, and a lurking rage that can intimidate your own soul. It is an entirely different matter to enact that anger.

Despite the fact that these two stories, were just that, stories in which we might empathise and detach from reality and perhaps have some inner voice saying, good on you, the reality for me is a sense of how wrong all this was.

I have at times felt that there must be something else, that I should be doing about Shelley’s murder. I have felt somehow that I should have been, should be able to shout loud enough so that the world takes notice, and changes the way we do business as human beings. You know, I can fix the world. Stop all the wars, all the injustices, all the imbalances of power, etc etc. You know what - and I know, that is not going to happen.

So I have come full circle, back to the start of this posting. My life task is to live my life as best as I can, as well as I can and to do no harm. I can honour Shelley by doing this, by embracing all that is good, by walking hand in hand with my grief, not being afraid of my feelings. This is my path.

"I would say that I’m a non-violent soldier.
In place of weapons of violence, you have to use your mind, your heart, your sense of humour; every faculty available to you because no one has the right to take the life of another human being.”

Joan Baez b 1941

Arohanui
KG

XX